The Right Question
Nearly every sermon I have ever heard on the subject of sex and/or purity I have heard the preacher try to answer the question “Is sex bad?” When I was in Christian school several of my teachers tried to answer the question “Is sex bad?” Many Christian books and articles try to answer the question “Is sex bad?” The answer I have always heard is a very long answer explaining how great sex is.
There are three reasons why this question is asked.
Reason 1. The unmarried are to reserve sex for marriage because of that it is easy to teach them that sex outside of marriage is bad, so it becomes necessary in some people’s minds to overemphasis the greatness of sex in marriage to balance out the badness of sex as an unmarried.
Reason 2. Some pastor is counseling several married couples about lack of sex in their marriage and they decide to preach on how good sex is to encourage married couples to have sex so they don’t have to council even more people.
Reason 3. The rarest reason of all is that some people think all sex is bad.
I think the question about whether sex is bad or not is the wrong question. I think the right question is “Do you have liberty to have sex?” If you try to directly answer the “Is sex bad” question to the unmarried it is easy to be a stumbling block to the unmarried because they do not have liberty in this area of their lives (See Romans 14, or I Corinthians 8). Dealing with sex in the context of liberty though is discreet enough that it should not be a stumbling block to anyone.
The unmarried do not have liberty in the area of sex. We are not to have sex (I Corinthians 6:18), we are not to touch the opposite sex (I Corinthians 7:1), We are not to look and lust after women (Matthew 5:28), we are no allowed to have impure thoughts (Philippians 4:8). The only liberty the Bible gives the unmarried in this area is intellectual emotional and spiritual intimacy and to find a spouse, but finding a spouse takes time then it takes even more time to court them and during this time we are to restrain ourselves.
But the reality is that even the married don’t have unlimited liberty as a couple. The married only have liberty in what both of them agree to do. I suspect that people who have been married 20 years have a lot more liberty in sex than a couple who has been married a year. Their experience together just gives them more liberty as a couple.
When you talk to the unmarried about the question “Is sex Bad?” You should be using that as a wonderful opportunity to talk about liberty. As an unmarried God calls us to restrain ourselves from sex in every area. If we wait for marriage to practice any liberty in sex then our wives will be our sexual liberation. No matter how often or rare sex is, no matter what she allows to be done, she is liberty for anyone who practices restraint outside of marriage.
But to those who have sexual liberty in any area outside of marriage their wife is their ball and chain. Inside of their marriage they have to restrain themselves to one woman. She is their bondage. I will go a little further. Because I looked at porn it is likely in that area of my life instead of my wife being liberty she will be bondage. I hope and pray that when I get married that I will be far enough away from porn that everything about her is liberty to me, but I accept because I decided to abuse my liberty as an unmarried guy and look at stuff contrary to God’s Word in this area my wife may be my bondage.
When the question “Is sex bad” is brought up in regards to the unmarried really a discussion of liberty is right. Plus it allows you to have a discussion about how the singles/teens do not have liberty in this area of their life yet and have a discussion on what their stumbling blocks are.
Reason 1 and Reason 3 can be dealt with in context of liberty much better than the long drawn out explanation of how great sex is.
I think Reason 2 where marrieds feel they are not getting enough sex can be dealt with much better from I Corinthians 7:3-5. I think any married person who is a reason 3 who feels that sex is bad is calling God a liar in light of I Corinthians 7:3-5.
Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
Depending on how you define benevolence in verse 3 it’s really going to expand or limit what it means for a married couple to defraud one another. If benevolence is just implying sex then you get to have an uncomfortable conversation about how often a married couple should have sex. For me that topic would be a stumbling block so please keep that particular lesson in the married class.
But if Benevolence is dealing with all areas of intimacy then the message changes to something everyone in the church needs to hear. I have been around long enough to watch married couples defraud one another in intellectual emotional and spiritual intimacy. I have no idea about their physical or sexual intimacy, and I don’t want to know.
There is a lot said today about cheating on a spouse, but there needs to be a lot said about cheating a spouse. When a couple gets married they both have intellectual, emotional, spiritual and physical needs that their spouse needs to meet. If their spouse never meets those needs then their spouse is defrauding them. They both swore a vow if they don’t live up to the vow they swore then they are cheating their spouse.
It just seems to me that when the question “Is sex bad” is asked in the context of married couples that you need to have a long conversation about cheating one another in every area not just sex. The reality is that there are going to be very few people in life with whom you will be intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually intimate with but God in his grace gives married couples someone to be intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, AND physically intimate with. Defrauding in any of those areas is rebellious. Your cheating your spouse!
This is a conversation the unmarried need to hear. They need to prepare their heart for all areas of intimacy.
At the end of the day when someone ask the question “Is sex bad?” The correct question is going to be “Do you have liberty in this area?” The unmarried should say no not yet. The married should say yes. If the married say no then you need to have a long conversation about defrauding one another and don’t limit this conversation to just sex. It should include every area of intimacy.
There are three reasons why this question is asked.
Reason 1. The unmarried are to reserve sex for marriage because of that it is easy to teach them that sex outside of marriage is bad, so it becomes necessary in some people’s minds to overemphasis the greatness of sex in marriage to balance out the badness of sex as an unmarried.
Reason 2. Some pastor is counseling several married couples about lack of sex in their marriage and they decide to preach on how good sex is to encourage married couples to have sex so they don’t have to council even more people.
Reason 3. The rarest reason of all is that some people think all sex is bad.
I think the question about whether sex is bad or not is the wrong question. I think the right question is “Do you have liberty to have sex?” If you try to directly answer the “Is sex bad” question to the unmarried it is easy to be a stumbling block to the unmarried because they do not have liberty in this area of their lives (See Romans 14, or I Corinthians 8). Dealing with sex in the context of liberty though is discreet enough that it should not be a stumbling block to anyone.
The unmarried do not have liberty in the area of sex. We are not to have sex (I Corinthians 6:18), we are not to touch the opposite sex (I Corinthians 7:1), We are not to look and lust after women (Matthew 5:28), we are no allowed to have impure thoughts (Philippians 4:8). The only liberty the Bible gives the unmarried in this area is intellectual emotional and spiritual intimacy and to find a spouse, but finding a spouse takes time then it takes even more time to court them and during this time we are to restrain ourselves.
But the reality is that even the married don’t have unlimited liberty as a couple. The married only have liberty in what both of them agree to do. I suspect that people who have been married 20 years have a lot more liberty in sex than a couple who has been married a year. Their experience together just gives them more liberty as a couple.
When you talk to the unmarried about the question “Is sex Bad?” You should be using that as a wonderful opportunity to talk about liberty. As an unmarried God calls us to restrain ourselves from sex in every area. If we wait for marriage to practice any liberty in sex then our wives will be our sexual liberation. No matter how often or rare sex is, no matter what she allows to be done, she is liberty for anyone who practices restraint outside of marriage.
But to those who have sexual liberty in any area outside of marriage their wife is their ball and chain. Inside of their marriage they have to restrain themselves to one woman. She is their bondage. I will go a little further. Because I looked at porn it is likely in that area of my life instead of my wife being liberty she will be bondage. I hope and pray that when I get married that I will be far enough away from porn that everything about her is liberty to me, but I accept because I decided to abuse my liberty as an unmarried guy and look at stuff contrary to God’s Word in this area my wife may be my bondage.
When the question “Is sex bad” is brought up in regards to the unmarried really a discussion of liberty is right. Plus it allows you to have a discussion about how the singles/teens do not have liberty in this area of their life yet and have a discussion on what their stumbling blocks are.
Reason 1 and Reason 3 can be dealt with in context of liberty much better than the long drawn out explanation of how great sex is.
I think Reason 2 where marrieds feel they are not getting enough sex can be dealt with much better from I Corinthians 7:3-5. I think any married person who is a reason 3 who feels that sex is bad is calling God a liar in light of I Corinthians 7:3-5.
Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
Depending on how you define benevolence in verse 3 it’s really going to expand or limit what it means for a married couple to defraud one another. If benevolence is just implying sex then you get to have an uncomfortable conversation about how often a married couple should have sex. For me that topic would be a stumbling block so please keep that particular lesson in the married class.
But if Benevolence is dealing with all areas of intimacy then the message changes to something everyone in the church needs to hear. I have been around long enough to watch married couples defraud one another in intellectual emotional and spiritual intimacy. I have no idea about their physical or sexual intimacy, and I don’t want to know.
There is a lot said today about cheating on a spouse, but there needs to be a lot said about cheating a spouse. When a couple gets married they both have intellectual, emotional, spiritual and physical needs that their spouse needs to meet. If their spouse never meets those needs then their spouse is defrauding them. They both swore a vow if they don’t live up to the vow they swore then they are cheating their spouse.
It just seems to me that when the question “Is sex bad” is asked in the context of married couples that you need to have a long conversation about cheating one another in every area not just sex. The reality is that there are going to be very few people in life with whom you will be intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually intimate with but God in his grace gives married couples someone to be intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, AND physically intimate with. Defrauding in any of those areas is rebellious. Your cheating your spouse!
This is a conversation the unmarried need to hear. They need to prepare their heart for all areas of intimacy.
At the end of the day when someone ask the question “Is sex bad?” The correct question is going to be “Do you have liberty in this area?” The unmarried should say no not yet. The married should say yes. If the married say no then you need to have a long conversation about defrauding one another and don’t limit this conversation to just sex. It should include every area of intimacy.