Engineer and Operator
Let’s say we have an engineer designing an airplane. Time has passed we have gone from bi-planes to jet planes, and we have an engineer designing a brand new jet plane. Perhaps this engineer is not alone, they have a team of engineers, each an expert in their respective fields, coming together and building this jet plane. As they build the jet they come across many problems but in time they overcome them all. Finally the jet plane is built they select a pilot to fly their plane on its first test flight. The jet takes off goes through its paces and it lands. If there is a problem in the plane is the pilot wrong for pointing out the flaws?
Of course not. Many times when designing an aircraft the engineers can do everything but fly the plane. The pilot on the other hand can only fly the plane, he can’t engineer it. If he feels there is a problem he must report it to the engineers. If there is no communication between the pilot and the engineers the result will be disaster.
When it comes to the area of sexual temptation the unmarried (both teens and singles) are facing many challenges that our married brothers are not. Obviously our married brothers are facing many battles that the unmarried are not. Generally speaking it is married people who are guiding the much younger unmarried people along paths of righteousness. But just like the engineers there are things they have built that they cannot experience. If they honestly put together a program to help young people with purity and instead it promotes lust in the young person’s life is it wrong for the young person to say so?
One of the realities of being unmarried is that even if you are an adult, if you are to start a relationship today, with the person you will marry , it will be, on average, a year and a half until you get married. This is a much longer time period for someone who is still in school high school or middle school. As an unmarried Christian patience is a part of our command to purity. I honestly believe if someone is teaching about purity and they say something that undermines the patience that is tied to singleness and purity that it is a sin to not tell them.
When I was 14 and I read, in Dobson’s book, his clinical description of sex, I really should have told someone that Dobson is obviously trying to promote waiting for marriage before having sex, but what he said makes me want to have sex right now. The reality of the situation is that it gave me a lot of really inappropriate questions that porn had the answer to. Does this undermine everything Dobson has ever done? No. This is simply an area of life he cannot experience, and thus those of us going through that area of life should have the integrity to say “I know what you are trying to do, but its having the opposite effect.”
When I was in a Christian high school and my teacher thought it was a good idea to show a video on the Sistine chapel I should have said something. This particular teacher had said a lot of things about purity, but somehow she thought that showing naked artwork to 14 and 15 year old boys would not completely undercut the values she believed. Did showing naked artwork undermine everything she had ever done? No. But it sure made it harder to live in purity.
When another teacher in my Christian high school talked about orgasms, I should have said something. Currently it appears to be in vogue in the Christian community to be as descriptive about sex as possible to young people. When you talk about things like orgasms around me it makes me want to have sex today. If you are trying to promote purity then how does that help? I have at least a year and a half wait until marriage. Does talking about orgasms undercut every good thing my teacher ever did? No. But if my teacher was trying to promote purity it undercut the patience that comes with it as an unmarried.
When I was in Bible college and they played a video where a man talked to singles about Song of Solomon and made everything in it about sex, and it made me more horny than I have ever been in my life I should have said something. I am sure that he thought he was promoting purity. But I never wanted sex so much in my life. Purity, for the unmarried, has a patience requirement with it; anything that undermines patience should be addressed. The married men and women cannot feel the weight of what they say because they are guiding people going through something they cannot bear. So the unmarried have an obligation to say something. The same way a pilot has an obligation to report to an engineer any problems they feel during a flight.
When I confessed my sin to my pastor I desperately needed his help to overcome my addiction. He’s a married guy and he told me point blank that he didn’t know what help he could give me because he couldn’t even remember being single. In our conversations really what helped me the most was just sharing what I was going through. But what he said that helped me the most was him talking about the intellectual, emotional and spiritual intimacy he shared with his wife. It was so different from anything anyone else had offered me before. But at times he would say things that would let lust swell up in my heart, and I told him, and he refrained from those things. He refrained from those things that caused problems because it wasn’t about him, it was about helping me get where I needed to be.
I am grateful that by the time I confessed my sin to my pastor I had the spiritual maturity to tell him when he said something harmful to me. He is not in my shoes but he is doing his best to help me. But if I don’t tell him what is going on he can’t help me. We are just in very different places in life, and yet I still need his help.
This is something that I have never heard discussed about purity. The vast majority of Christian leaders are married, but they are to guide the unmarried in the subject of purity. Purity for married people is totally different than purity for unmarried people. And yet the married people due to their age, experience, and spiritual maturity are to guide the unmarried in purity. For me to get out of my porn addiction I had to have my pastors help. But purity for us are two totally different subjects.
As a single person facing very different sexual temptation than married people here are my suggestions to make you the very best engineer you can be.
1. Whenever you discuss the subject of purity tell your audience that they have the right and obligation to tell you about anything you say that makes their struggle with purity harder. It doesn’t matter your position or your age, if you make someone’s struggle for purity harder you need to fix it. If a 12 year old says that something you said brought about lust in their heart you need to know that so that you can fix it.
The reality of the situation is that whatever you say to someone it is being filtered through all the things they have seen, heard, and experienced. Something you say that would not have brought about lust a year ago, or 20 years ago may bring about lust now because of a shift in the culture. You need to be aware of it, if you goal is to effectively teach on purity. A 12 year olds critique could be the most important insight you ever get because that 12 year old is facing battles you cannot face. God’s command to purity for them is different than his command to purity for married people.
The reality is that, at least for me, the most helpful thing about talking to my pastor about my struggles was just getting it off my chest. It took so much power away from lust just to bring it to light. If you say something and a 12 year old has a problem with it and they mention it to you, then it is very likely that whatever they told you lost most of its power over them. Allowing anyone to tell you about any of their struggle is a major victory over the sin of lust.
Be upfront with the young people about their call to patience that you as a married are not called to. If you do anything to undermine that call to patience you need to know about it. You are simply an engineer asking pilots for their honest opinion about what you are engineering for them.
2. Get Matthew Kelly’s book “The Seven Levels of Intimacy” and teach about all aspects of intimacy. Teach about the intellectual, emotional, spiritual and physical aspects of intimacy. I know intimacy is not a Bible word but there are many biblical doctrines and teachings that line up well with the subject of intimacy.
For me intimacy, especially the aspects of intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy allowed me to replace porn addiction. I believe that if I had learned of these three things before I was 14 I would never have become addicted to porn.
I believe sex is part of intimacy but I do not believe sex is all of intimacy. My understanding and practice of intimacy gives me as an unmarried person an outlet that I used to think only masturbation and sex could provide. Because I have an outlet I am far less likely to commit sexual sins. Your young people are constantly bombarded with sexual temptation, if they do not have an outlet through intimacy, then what outlet will they choose? Is there another outlet you can give them? If so leave me a message because I am totally unaware of it.
And yes an outlet is needed. If they were to start dating today the one they are going to marry then on average it will be a year and a half wait until they get married and can have legal sex. Intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy are safe, healthy outlets for the sexual temptation the world is throwing at your unmarried people.
If you have kids I would also suggest that you use Matthew Kelly’s book as the book you use to talk to your kids about sex. Your kids already know enough about the physical act of sex. Recently a Christian councilor told me that they did a survey at a Christian school, and everyone at that Christian school who was 8 years old and up could describe the physical act of sex. The physical act of sex is something everyone in our culture talks about. But Matthew Kelly’s book does a wonderful job of describing the heart matters related to sex, and that sex is a minor part of intimacy.
3. In addition to teaching young people all aspects of intimacy I would encourage you to point your young people to the Bible where it describes sex as knowing. That God made sex so that two people can know each other better than they know anyone else in the world. That God describes two people as becoming one flesh because marriage and sex is about being closer to one person than anyone else in the world. That sex is so much more than just pleasure. That it is an extension of intimacy that amplifies all other areas of intimacy, and thus should only be done in marriage.
That sex outside of marriage is a sad thing because the vast majority of the time after sex the couple splits. They get closer to one another than anyone else in the world then go their separate ways. That is a tragedy. This is why the Bible says to flee fornication.
As a single guy the realization that sex is about bonding has helped tremendously with my battle over porn. But I have noticed that as a single it is hard to find anyone talking to the unmarried about the bonding aspect of sex. I am curious as to whether that is an accidental oversite or something intentionally not talked about. If there is intention behind it then I would love to know the logic behind the intention because I think that would be of great help to me. If you believe it is wrong to talk about the bonding aspect of sex please leave a message on the contact page as to why.
4. I strongly encourage you to not talk about great, or amazing, or fun sex. Even if you are saying if you are a virgin when you get married the sex will be great or fun or amazing. The simple reason is because if you are talking to people who have to wait years for marriage then telling them how great or fun or amazing an aspect of marriage is that they cannot rightly practice now creates envy and covetousness. At least it did in my life.
Furthermore if you read the book “Unveiled bride” you will find the testimony of two virgins who got married and could not have sex for over three years because of physical problems. How often did they hear that if they were virgins when they got married that they would have amazing sex?
Furthermore how many newlyweds seriously struggle with sex? If great sex is the point of sex then they are failures, but if bonding is the purpose of sex then the struggle should be making them closer together. If sex is about bounding and any struggle in sex makes a couple closer then the struggle is precious. But if the point is great sex then any struggle is confusing. Who is the author of confusion?
Conclusion
This is not an article nor is this a website saying never talk about sex. This is an article and a website saying there are no easy answers. Because there are no easy answers everyone’s voice needs to be heard. Because there are no easy answers people in vastly different areas of life need to seek to understand each other’s point of view.
The stark reality is that purity for the unmarried involves a lot of patience. As an engineer is your teaching promoting that patience or undermining it? As a Pilot do you have the integrity to tell the people trying to help you when they need to adjust something?
It took my pastor three months to begin to grasp my point of view. I know I don’t say things as diplomatically as I should on this website, but I hope it doesn’t take every pastor and councilor in the ministry three months to figure out the fact that their singles and teens are facing very different temptations than they are.
The reality is that we need each other to overcome sexual temptation.
Of course not. Many times when designing an aircraft the engineers can do everything but fly the plane. The pilot on the other hand can only fly the plane, he can’t engineer it. If he feels there is a problem he must report it to the engineers. If there is no communication between the pilot and the engineers the result will be disaster.
When it comes to the area of sexual temptation the unmarried (both teens and singles) are facing many challenges that our married brothers are not. Obviously our married brothers are facing many battles that the unmarried are not. Generally speaking it is married people who are guiding the much younger unmarried people along paths of righteousness. But just like the engineers there are things they have built that they cannot experience. If they honestly put together a program to help young people with purity and instead it promotes lust in the young person’s life is it wrong for the young person to say so?
One of the realities of being unmarried is that even if you are an adult, if you are to start a relationship today, with the person you will marry , it will be, on average, a year and a half until you get married. This is a much longer time period for someone who is still in school high school or middle school. As an unmarried Christian patience is a part of our command to purity. I honestly believe if someone is teaching about purity and they say something that undermines the patience that is tied to singleness and purity that it is a sin to not tell them.
When I was 14 and I read, in Dobson’s book, his clinical description of sex, I really should have told someone that Dobson is obviously trying to promote waiting for marriage before having sex, but what he said makes me want to have sex right now. The reality of the situation is that it gave me a lot of really inappropriate questions that porn had the answer to. Does this undermine everything Dobson has ever done? No. This is simply an area of life he cannot experience, and thus those of us going through that area of life should have the integrity to say “I know what you are trying to do, but its having the opposite effect.”
When I was in a Christian high school and my teacher thought it was a good idea to show a video on the Sistine chapel I should have said something. This particular teacher had said a lot of things about purity, but somehow she thought that showing naked artwork to 14 and 15 year old boys would not completely undercut the values she believed. Did showing naked artwork undermine everything she had ever done? No. But it sure made it harder to live in purity.
When another teacher in my Christian high school talked about orgasms, I should have said something. Currently it appears to be in vogue in the Christian community to be as descriptive about sex as possible to young people. When you talk about things like orgasms around me it makes me want to have sex today. If you are trying to promote purity then how does that help? I have at least a year and a half wait until marriage. Does talking about orgasms undercut every good thing my teacher ever did? No. But if my teacher was trying to promote purity it undercut the patience that comes with it as an unmarried.
When I was in Bible college and they played a video where a man talked to singles about Song of Solomon and made everything in it about sex, and it made me more horny than I have ever been in my life I should have said something. I am sure that he thought he was promoting purity. But I never wanted sex so much in my life. Purity, for the unmarried, has a patience requirement with it; anything that undermines patience should be addressed. The married men and women cannot feel the weight of what they say because they are guiding people going through something they cannot bear. So the unmarried have an obligation to say something. The same way a pilot has an obligation to report to an engineer any problems they feel during a flight.
When I confessed my sin to my pastor I desperately needed his help to overcome my addiction. He’s a married guy and he told me point blank that he didn’t know what help he could give me because he couldn’t even remember being single. In our conversations really what helped me the most was just sharing what I was going through. But what he said that helped me the most was him talking about the intellectual, emotional and spiritual intimacy he shared with his wife. It was so different from anything anyone else had offered me before. But at times he would say things that would let lust swell up in my heart, and I told him, and he refrained from those things. He refrained from those things that caused problems because it wasn’t about him, it was about helping me get where I needed to be.
I am grateful that by the time I confessed my sin to my pastor I had the spiritual maturity to tell him when he said something harmful to me. He is not in my shoes but he is doing his best to help me. But if I don’t tell him what is going on he can’t help me. We are just in very different places in life, and yet I still need his help.
This is something that I have never heard discussed about purity. The vast majority of Christian leaders are married, but they are to guide the unmarried in the subject of purity. Purity for married people is totally different than purity for unmarried people. And yet the married people due to their age, experience, and spiritual maturity are to guide the unmarried in purity. For me to get out of my porn addiction I had to have my pastors help. But purity for us are two totally different subjects.
As a single person facing very different sexual temptation than married people here are my suggestions to make you the very best engineer you can be.
1. Whenever you discuss the subject of purity tell your audience that they have the right and obligation to tell you about anything you say that makes their struggle with purity harder. It doesn’t matter your position or your age, if you make someone’s struggle for purity harder you need to fix it. If a 12 year old says that something you said brought about lust in their heart you need to know that so that you can fix it.
The reality of the situation is that whatever you say to someone it is being filtered through all the things they have seen, heard, and experienced. Something you say that would not have brought about lust a year ago, or 20 years ago may bring about lust now because of a shift in the culture. You need to be aware of it, if you goal is to effectively teach on purity. A 12 year olds critique could be the most important insight you ever get because that 12 year old is facing battles you cannot face. God’s command to purity for them is different than his command to purity for married people.
The reality is that, at least for me, the most helpful thing about talking to my pastor about my struggles was just getting it off my chest. It took so much power away from lust just to bring it to light. If you say something and a 12 year old has a problem with it and they mention it to you, then it is very likely that whatever they told you lost most of its power over them. Allowing anyone to tell you about any of their struggle is a major victory over the sin of lust.
Be upfront with the young people about their call to patience that you as a married are not called to. If you do anything to undermine that call to patience you need to know about it. You are simply an engineer asking pilots for their honest opinion about what you are engineering for them.
2. Get Matthew Kelly’s book “The Seven Levels of Intimacy” and teach about all aspects of intimacy. Teach about the intellectual, emotional, spiritual and physical aspects of intimacy. I know intimacy is not a Bible word but there are many biblical doctrines and teachings that line up well with the subject of intimacy.
For me intimacy, especially the aspects of intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy allowed me to replace porn addiction. I believe that if I had learned of these three things before I was 14 I would never have become addicted to porn.
I believe sex is part of intimacy but I do not believe sex is all of intimacy. My understanding and practice of intimacy gives me as an unmarried person an outlet that I used to think only masturbation and sex could provide. Because I have an outlet I am far less likely to commit sexual sins. Your young people are constantly bombarded with sexual temptation, if they do not have an outlet through intimacy, then what outlet will they choose? Is there another outlet you can give them? If so leave me a message because I am totally unaware of it.
And yes an outlet is needed. If they were to start dating today the one they are going to marry then on average it will be a year and a half wait until they get married and can have legal sex. Intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy are safe, healthy outlets for the sexual temptation the world is throwing at your unmarried people.
If you have kids I would also suggest that you use Matthew Kelly’s book as the book you use to talk to your kids about sex. Your kids already know enough about the physical act of sex. Recently a Christian councilor told me that they did a survey at a Christian school, and everyone at that Christian school who was 8 years old and up could describe the physical act of sex. The physical act of sex is something everyone in our culture talks about. But Matthew Kelly’s book does a wonderful job of describing the heart matters related to sex, and that sex is a minor part of intimacy.
3. In addition to teaching young people all aspects of intimacy I would encourage you to point your young people to the Bible where it describes sex as knowing. That God made sex so that two people can know each other better than they know anyone else in the world. That God describes two people as becoming one flesh because marriage and sex is about being closer to one person than anyone else in the world. That sex is so much more than just pleasure. That it is an extension of intimacy that amplifies all other areas of intimacy, and thus should only be done in marriage.
That sex outside of marriage is a sad thing because the vast majority of the time after sex the couple splits. They get closer to one another than anyone else in the world then go their separate ways. That is a tragedy. This is why the Bible says to flee fornication.
As a single guy the realization that sex is about bonding has helped tremendously with my battle over porn. But I have noticed that as a single it is hard to find anyone talking to the unmarried about the bonding aspect of sex. I am curious as to whether that is an accidental oversite or something intentionally not talked about. If there is intention behind it then I would love to know the logic behind the intention because I think that would be of great help to me. If you believe it is wrong to talk about the bonding aspect of sex please leave a message on the contact page as to why.
4. I strongly encourage you to not talk about great, or amazing, or fun sex. Even if you are saying if you are a virgin when you get married the sex will be great or fun or amazing. The simple reason is because if you are talking to people who have to wait years for marriage then telling them how great or fun or amazing an aspect of marriage is that they cannot rightly practice now creates envy and covetousness. At least it did in my life.
Furthermore if you read the book “Unveiled bride” you will find the testimony of two virgins who got married and could not have sex for over three years because of physical problems. How often did they hear that if they were virgins when they got married that they would have amazing sex?
Furthermore how many newlyweds seriously struggle with sex? If great sex is the point of sex then they are failures, but if bonding is the purpose of sex then the struggle should be making them closer together. If sex is about bounding and any struggle in sex makes a couple closer then the struggle is precious. But if the point is great sex then any struggle is confusing. Who is the author of confusion?
Conclusion
This is not an article nor is this a website saying never talk about sex. This is an article and a website saying there are no easy answers. Because there are no easy answers everyone’s voice needs to be heard. Because there are no easy answers people in vastly different areas of life need to seek to understand each other’s point of view.
The stark reality is that purity for the unmarried involves a lot of patience. As an engineer is your teaching promoting that patience or undermining it? As a Pilot do you have the integrity to tell the people trying to help you when they need to adjust something?
It took my pastor three months to begin to grasp my point of view. I know I don’t say things as diplomatically as I should on this website, but I hope it doesn’t take every pastor and councilor in the ministry three months to figure out the fact that their singles and teens are facing very different temptations than they are.
The reality is that we need each other to overcome sexual temptation.