Courtship
Before we begin I wish to stress that according to the Bible marriage and sex are not the greatest joys in life. If you are reading this because you think marriage and sex are the greatest joys in life and you are trying to get to them as quick as possible, I would ask that you spend some time in prayer and Bible reading and see what Joys God has in this life that are better than marriage and sex. If not I am afraid that for you marriage and sex will simply be a disappointment and a sorrow.
I would also like to stress that there are only two clear sins you can commit in dating. First of all is having sex outside of the bounds of marriage, and the second is dating someone who is not a Christian. Everything else falls into the category of wise and unwise.
Perhaps you think if a Christian couple does not court they are sinning. Certainly many ministries, pastors and books teach that. I am very specifically addressing courtship because so many in Christian circles are saying anything but courtship is a sin.
First of all I think that if courtship is about accountability it can be a very wise and advantageous process for a young couple. That said outside of someone who is living at home courtship will be a nearly impossible task.
One of the many problems with the way courtship is taught is that many people today teach it as Biblical. But Courtship is NOT Biblical. The Bible never has a verse that tells you how you should find a spouse, its silent on the issue. Courtship can be a wise way to do things but it’s not the Bible way because there is no Bible way.
There are 3 relationships in the Bible that are close to courtships.
The first is found in Genesis 29, where Jacob asked permission to marry Rachel. Rachel’s dad told him to serve 7 years for her and then tricked him into marrying Leah. Jacob ended up being married 4 times.
The second is found in Judges 14, where Samson fell in love with a philistine girl and had his dad talk to her dad and they got married. A week or so after they were married the girl ended up getting married to someone else.
The third time is found in I Samuel 18. David fell in love with King Saul’s daughter and Saul was thrilled because he was going to use his daughter to destroy David. After they were married Saul drove off his daughter’s husband and David got married several more times after that.
I bring this up because the overarching theme of modern day courtship is that Dads are to be the decision makers in their daughters romantic lives, and if dads make the decision it will be great. This is utterly unbiblical. The Bible ALWAYS shows dad making the decision in their daughters romance ends terribly.
I think the two verses the courtship crowd love to use are Ephesians 6:1, and Colossians 3:20 “Children obey your parents”. What they are saying is that because you are their child you have to do whatever they tell you to do, especially in matters pertaining to romance. But I would argue that if you are an adult then you are not under their authority and that goes double when it comes to dating/courting.
So if you are under 18 and want to date someone that they don’t like then you are not an adult and are under their authority so you simply have to wait until you are 18. As long as the person is a Christian, and you don’t have sex then its not a sin. If you are under 18 and date them its disobedient.
When you are over 18 and you decide to date someone and your parents are against it, you don’t have to obey them, but you should listen to their reasoning. It may be great reasoning, it may be terrible but they are your parents and they want what is best for you so you owe it to them to at least listen.
Maybe you think what I am writing about is rebellion, but the Bible says in Num 36:6 This is the thing which the LORD doth command concerning the daughters of Zelophehad, saying, Let them marry to whom they think best; only to the family of the tribe of their father shall they marry.
God did not command these girls to do anything except to marry someone they would be equally yoked with, But God directly commanded their parents to let the girls to marry who they wished.
In I Corinthians 7:9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.
Again God commands parents to let their children marry.
In I Corinthians 7:36 God again directly commands parents to “Let them marry”.
Current courtship has gone from wisely telling people to be accountable in dating, to telling parents and young people that father’s are to be in total control over their romantic life, but the Bible directly commands parents to let their children marry whomever they wish as long as the person is a Christian. God does not allow parents to veto their children’s dating decisions.
Many Christian parents have done enormous damage disobeying God in this matter. Its like a General telling a captain to tell the new recruits to do something, and the captain does not follow the General’s wishes. Whatever the recruits do they are wrong. If they do what the General says, they disobeyed the captain, if they do what the captain says they disobeyed the General. Its confusion.
If you believe that God would have you date someone who is a Christian that your parents disapprove of and you have listened to them, and taken council from others and still believe its God’s will then I would suggest you obey Luke 14:26 “If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.”
Sometimes you will have to reject what your parents want to do for what God wants. Again this is a verse for those of you are 18 on up, this is something that should be done with much prayer, fasting, counseling, and love. Understand you parents want what they think is best for you but what they think is best for you is not always or often what is really best for you.
I am writing this because I want to take people out of bondage. There are many people who have read a courtship book and by the end of the book they figured there is no way for them to get married because they cannot do all the stuff written in the book. To those of you who feel this way check out Mat 23:1-4
Then spake Jesus to the multitude, and to his disciples, Saying, The scribes and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat: All therefore whatsoever they bid you observe, that observe and do; but do not ye after their works: for they say, and do not. For they bind heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and lay them on men's shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers.
The majority of courtship authors are people who are already married, who are writing so parents will buy their books, or people will talk about how holy the author is. The problem is that the writers and the majority of the readers don’t have to obey anything in the courtship books. They are married. So they can brag about how holy they are because of how strict they are with their kids. The problem is that in an effort to prove how holy they are they have set standards that Jesus could not meet. And why not, these exceptionally high standards make them look good and they don’t have to follow them.
What happens is their kids leave the faith because they cant obey God and their parents. Their parents wonder why their kids leave a faith that they had no hope in achieving. I am sick of that. I am tired of seeing single Christians who lose hope for every having a relationship. I believe that when we obey God’s word there is nothing but hope.
If you are reading this and thinking that we should be against courtship then you misunderstand. I am only arguing that the Bible is silent on courtship. If you pray about and think that its best to give your parents veto power over your romantic relationships, then your not wrong. If you pray about it and think that it’s a terrible idea to give your parents any power in your romantic relationships then you are not wrong either.
Christians who do courtship are not better than Christians who don’t. Christians who don’t do courtship are not sinners. In all honesty there are a lot of Christians who should give the accountability aspect of courtship serious thought because without accountability they will not have the self-discipline to save sex for marriage. If you fall into that category I hope you are humble enough to do courtship.
If you are interested in someone who wants to do courtship then that isn’t a sin. My argument isn’t about courtship being wrong for couples, but according to the Bible many parents are sinning by demanding veto power over their kids romantic life and calling that courtship. Courtship cannot be sinful for couples, because there are only two sins for dating/courting couples, but courtship has turned into a favorite sin for Christian parents, and sadly pastors.
The question of courting or not courting is not a question of sinning or not sinning, it is a question of is courtship wise for you or unwise for you, is it even possible for you? If so what aspects? Pray about it, seek God’s Face. Whatever you choose there is no sin here. Be at peace.
I would also like to stress that there are only two clear sins you can commit in dating. First of all is having sex outside of the bounds of marriage, and the second is dating someone who is not a Christian. Everything else falls into the category of wise and unwise.
Perhaps you think if a Christian couple does not court they are sinning. Certainly many ministries, pastors and books teach that. I am very specifically addressing courtship because so many in Christian circles are saying anything but courtship is a sin.
First of all I think that if courtship is about accountability it can be a very wise and advantageous process for a young couple. That said outside of someone who is living at home courtship will be a nearly impossible task.
One of the many problems with the way courtship is taught is that many people today teach it as Biblical. But Courtship is NOT Biblical. The Bible never has a verse that tells you how you should find a spouse, its silent on the issue. Courtship can be a wise way to do things but it’s not the Bible way because there is no Bible way.
There are 3 relationships in the Bible that are close to courtships.
The first is found in Genesis 29, where Jacob asked permission to marry Rachel. Rachel’s dad told him to serve 7 years for her and then tricked him into marrying Leah. Jacob ended up being married 4 times.
The second is found in Judges 14, where Samson fell in love with a philistine girl and had his dad talk to her dad and they got married. A week or so after they were married the girl ended up getting married to someone else.
The third time is found in I Samuel 18. David fell in love with King Saul’s daughter and Saul was thrilled because he was going to use his daughter to destroy David. After they were married Saul drove off his daughter’s husband and David got married several more times after that.
I bring this up because the overarching theme of modern day courtship is that Dads are to be the decision makers in their daughters romantic lives, and if dads make the decision it will be great. This is utterly unbiblical. The Bible ALWAYS shows dad making the decision in their daughters romance ends terribly.
I think the two verses the courtship crowd love to use are Ephesians 6:1, and Colossians 3:20 “Children obey your parents”. What they are saying is that because you are their child you have to do whatever they tell you to do, especially in matters pertaining to romance. But I would argue that if you are an adult then you are not under their authority and that goes double when it comes to dating/courting.
So if you are under 18 and want to date someone that they don’t like then you are not an adult and are under their authority so you simply have to wait until you are 18. As long as the person is a Christian, and you don’t have sex then its not a sin. If you are under 18 and date them its disobedient.
When you are over 18 and you decide to date someone and your parents are against it, you don’t have to obey them, but you should listen to their reasoning. It may be great reasoning, it may be terrible but they are your parents and they want what is best for you so you owe it to them to at least listen.
Maybe you think what I am writing about is rebellion, but the Bible says in Num 36:6 This is the thing which the LORD doth command concerning the daughters of Zelophehad, saying, Let them marry to whom they think best; only to the family of the tribe of their father shall they marry.
God did not command these girls to do anything except to marry someone they would be equally yoked with, But God directly commanded their parents to let the girls to marry who they wished.
In I Corinthians 7:9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.
Again God commands parents to let their children marry.
In I Corinthians 7:36 God again directly commands parents to “Let them marry”.
Current courtship has gone from wisely telling people to be accountable in dating, to telling parents and young people that father’s are to be in total control over their romantic life, but the Bible directly commands parents to let their children marry whomever they wish as long as the person is a Christian. God does not allow parents to veto their children’s dating decisions.
Many Christian parents have done enormous damage disobeying God in this matter. Its like a General telling a captain to tell the new recruits to do something, and the captain does not follow the General’s wishes. Whatever the recruits do they are wrong. If they do what the General says, they disobeyed the captain, if they do what the captain says they disobeyed the General. Its confusion.
If you believe that God would have you date someone who is a Christian that your parents disapprove of and you have listened to them, and taken council from others and still believe its God’s will then I would suggest you obey Luke 14:26 “If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.”
Sometimes you will have to reject what your parents want to do for what God wants. Again this is a verse for those of you are 18 on up, this is something that should be done with much prayer, fasting, counseling, and love. Understand you parents want what they think is best for you but what they think is best for you is not always or often what is really best for you.
I am writing this because I want to take people out of bondage. There are many people who have read a courtship book and by the end of the book they figured there is no way for them to get married because they cannot do all the stuff written in the book. To those of you who feel this way check out Mat 23:1-4
Then spake Jesus to the multitude, and to his disciples, Saying, The scribes and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat: All therefore whatsoever they bid you observe, that observe and do; but do not ye after their works: for they say, and do not. For they bind heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and lay them on men's shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers.
The majority of courtship authors are people who are already married, who are writing so parents will buy their books, or people will talk about how holy the author is. The problem is that the writers and the majority of the readers don’t have to obey anything in the courtship books. They are married. So they can brag about how holy they are because of how strict they are with their kids. The problem is that in an effort to prove how holy they are they have set standards that Jesus could not meet. And why not, these exceptionally high standards make them look good and they don’t have to follow them.
What happens is their kids leave the faith because they cant obey God and their parents. Their parents wonder why their kids leave a faith that they had no hope in achieving. I am sick of that. I am tired of seeing single Christians who lose hope for every having a relationship. I believe that when we obey God’s word there is nothing but hope.
If you are reading this and thinking that we should be against courtship then you misunderstand. I am only arguing that the Bible is silent on courtship. If you pray about and think that its best to give your parents veto power over your romantic relationships, then your not wrong. If you pray about it and think that it’s a terrible idea to give your parents any power in your romantic relationships then you are not wrong either.
Christians who do courtship are not better than Christians who don’t. Christians who don’t do courtship are not sinners. In all honesty there are a lot of Christians who should give the accountability aspect of courtship serious thought because without accountability they will not have the self-discipline to save sex for marriage. If you fall into that category I hope you are humble enough to do courtship.
If you are interested in someone who wants to do courtship then that isn’t a sin. My argument isn’t about courtship being wrong for couples, but according to the Bible many parents are sinning by demanding veto power over their kids romantic life and calling that courtship. Courtship cannot be sinful for couples, because there are only two sins for dating/courting couples, but courtship has turned into a favorite sin for Christian parents, and sadly pastors.
The question of courting or not courting is not a question of sinning or not sinning, it is a question of is courtship wise for you or unwise for you, is it even possible for you? If so what aspects? Pray about it, seek God’s Face. Whatever you choose there is no sin here. Be at peace.