Finding the 1
Before we begin marriage and sex are not the greatest joys in life. According to the Bible discipleship is the greatest joy in this life. Also according to the Bible there are really only two sins you can commit exclusively in dating/courting, and that is sex before marriage, and dating/courting a non Christian. Everything else falls into the category of wise and unwise.
Finding the 1, and marrying the 1 is an absolutely complicated subject, simply because so much is said about it in our culture, and so little is said about it in the Bible. From the time we are small we see princesses marrying the prince, Peter Parker getting Mary Jane, Hallmark movies about finding the one, and super hero movies about getting the girl. Our culture bombards us with the idea that there is just one perfect person for us to marry.
In these movies they even pull off a great trick. Its only at the very end of the movie where the couple gets together, so you have to imagine what their relationship is like. I am willing to bet at the end of the movie when they finally end up together and the credits roll, you begin to imagine, for that couple, what your ideal relationship would be. So movie after movie you imagine your ideal relationship. And thus finding the one becomes finding someone who fits your fantasy. And if someone does not fit your fantasy then they are not the one.
I have heard Pastors get into the pulpit and say that there is only one person for you because there was only one person for Adam. The first thing I would point out about that is that Adam was a perfect man, and he married a perfect woman, and after they started their relationship they sinned. So even if you marry the 1 the relationship will not fix problems it will create new ones. If a perfect man marrying a perfect woman ends up with sin, how much more sin will happen in a relationship where one sinner marries another sinner?
In the book of Hosea God tells Hosea to marry a wife of whoredoms. In the Christian community we do not tell teens and singles about Hosea when we talk about dating/courting. Fact of the matter is that he got a direct command of God and he obeyed it. Even though he married the 1 his marriage was filled with infidelity and pain, and yet Hosea clearly married the 1. So if you have this idea that you have to marry the 1 so everything will be wonderful and your problems will go away, just know the Bible clearly does not teach that.
In the book of Ruth we find Ruth marrying Boaz. The reality of the matter is that Boaz was not her nearest kinsman, and should not have been the 1 to marry her. And yet Ruth not marrying the 1 ends up being a beautiful picture of God’s love and preparation. That’s right, Ruth did not marry the 1, and it turned out great.
There is no verse in the Bible commanding you to marry the 1, or to marry the person God picks out for you. The Bible only says in Pro 18:22 Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. The Bible does not describe the man or the woman here. Only saying that if they get married it’s a good thing, and they obtain favor of God. This verse is so unspecific it applies even if you sin and marry someone who is not a Christian. I would argue that this verses teaches that whomever you marry is the one, regardless of circumstances. And that nobody is the one until you say I do.
The closest the Bible gets to the idea of finding the 1 is finding a virtuous woman. Proverbs 31:10 says “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.”
Two thoughts before we begin. Even though this is the closest the Bible gets to talking about the 1, this is not the 1. I would highly encourage you to write out your list on what you think the 1 is and compare it to the virtuous woman. When you see that they don’t match up toss your list. The Bible clearly says that finding a virtuous woman and obtaining her are hard, so its not a sin to not marry a virtuous woman. Marrying a virtuous woman is not a requirement in the Christian faith.
BUT it is a wise thing to marry a virtuous woman. It is a wise thing to wait for her. It is a wise thing to prepare the price of a virtuous woman (the price is character). But it is not a sin to marry someone else.
Most of the time when we read about the virtuous woman we fantasize about our idea of the 1 instead of what God says about the virtuous woman, so lets take a hard look at this topic.
First of all proverbs 31 starts off with a mom talking to her son, and she is giving him words of wisdom. This is a mom telling her son about the characteristics of the woman he should marry. So often Proverbs 31 is talked about as if its just a chapter in the Bible for women, when the chapter clearly starts out talking to men.
Secondly, and this is where we will get our meat from, Proverbs 31 is one of a very few places in the Bible that is talking about couples, and how they should be responding and interact with each other. It really is a shame how so many people read proverbs 31 and only apply it to women because that really saps out the power that this chapter of the Bible has.
The first couple interaction we find is in verse 11 it says “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.”
What this means for a couple is that a man must share his heart intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Then the woman responds by being a safe refuge for everything he shares. If he doesn’t share she is not a virtuous woman. If she is not a safe person to share it with then she is not a virtuous woman. For her to be a virtuous woman both parties have responsibilities.
If you are a man and you marry a woman and don’t want to share your heart with her, then its probably not a sin (and yes its debatable), but you will have a shallow relationship with the woman you married. I don’t know your circumstances so I cant say whether that’s wise or unwise, but according to the Bible if you have a shallow relationship with your wife she is not a virtuous woman.
As a single person seeking to get married you will likely find that its hard to share your heart with someone you just started dating. But that’s fine. Over the weeks and months of dating, over time, you should be sharing your heart. If you find its impossible to share your heart then she is not your virtuous woman.
The second couple interaction is that their work compliments one another. In Proverbs 31 by my count the virtuous woman does 26 jobs. Most people focus on these jobs, but the jobs she does are not important. Honestly in a womans lifetime most women will do most of the things the virtuous woman does. What is really important to the couple is where her work is praised. In verse 31 we find out that her work is praised in the gates, according to verse 23 her husband is known in the gates. I don’t know what her husband is doing at the gates, but all the work she does is helping her husband at the gates.
In Genesis 2:18 God said that he made Eve to be Adams helpmeet. Women are designed to help their husbands do whatever their husbands do.
For you to marry a virtuous woman you would need to marry a woman who you work well with. It is not a sin for you to marry a woman who has her career, and you have your career, and your work never coincides. But for you to marry a virtuous woman you would need to marry a woman who would be a helpmeet to you, but to do that you would need to be doing something that required a helpmeet. If you work a 9 to 5 job, eat out 3 meals a day, and go to church and all you do is sit in a pew, you are not doing anything that requires your wife to actually help you in life which would make it impossible for any woman to be a help meet. And if that’s the way you want to live life then its not a sin. But you wont get a virtuous woman because you will never interact in a way that makes her a virtuous woman. To marry a virtuous woman your work will have to complement one another.
The third couple interaction is they draw each other closer to God. In verse 30 we find out that she fears God. Any relationship that you are in will either draw you closer to God or draw you away from God. If you fear God then if you date someone who draws you away from God then you will break up. But at the same instance you should be encouraging them to have a closer walk with God. It does no good to the couple for the woman to draw the man closer to God while the man is drawing the woman away from God or vice versa. She is only the virtuous woman when both people are drawing each other to God.
So often what happens is that a single decides to get closer to God by dating a “good” Christian who is faithful to church, or in a Christian school, or called to preach or some other good Christian thing, but the entire relationship they are dragging the “good” Christian down. If you do not build up each others walk with God then they are not the virtuous woman.
That said the reality of the situation is that as long as you marry a Christian it is not a sin to marry someone who does not make you a better Christian, and its not a sin to not make them a better Christian. But as men that changes when you become a husband. Once married you are to lead your home in righteousness.
I think the most important lesson we can get from proverbs 31 is that both people in a couple have a role to play, and so often when we think of the 1 in our culture we only think of their role, not our own, and certainly not how one role responds to the other.
Furthermore perusing the virtuous woman does not stop when you say I do. Perusing the virtuous woman is a lifetime process. If you stop doing what you should do after marriage then she cannot be the virtuous woman.
So to sum it up, my understanding of the Bible is that when you get married you found the one, whether that person is a virtuous or not (proverbs 18:22).
So I would encourage all Christians to give up their search to find the one, and for Christian men to search for a lady they can help become a virtuous woman, and for Christian women to look for a man to help them become a virtuous woman, as both men and women have a role in the creation of a virtuous woman.
Finding the 1, and marrying the 1 is an absolutely complicated subject, simply because so much is said about it in our culture, and so little is said about it in the Bible. From the time we are small we see princesses marrying the prince, Peter Parker getting Mary Jane, Hallmark movies about finding the one, and super hero movies about getting the girl. Our culture bombards us with the idea that there is just one perfect person for us to marry.
In these movies they even pull off a great trick. Its only at the very end of the movie where the couple gets together, so you have to imagine what their relationship is like. I am willing to bet at the end of the movie when they finally end up together and the credits roll, you begin to imagine, for that couple, what your ideal relationship would be. So movie after movie you imagine your ideal relationship. And thus finding the one becomes finding someone who fits your fantasy. And if someone does not fit your fantasy then they are not the one.
I have heard Pastors get into the pulpit and say that there is only one person for you because there was only one person for Adam. The first thing I would point out about that is that Adam was a perfect man, and he married a perfect woman, and after they started their relationship they sinned. So even if you marry the 1 the relationship will not fix problems it will create new ones. If a perfect man marrying a perfect woman ends up with sin, how much more sin will happen in a relationship where one sinner marries another sinner?
In the book of Hosea God tells Hosea to marry a wife of whoredoms. In the Christian community we do not tell teens and singles about Hosea when we talk about dating/courting. Fact of the matter is that he got a direct command of God and he obeyed it. Even though he married the 1 his marriage was filled with infidelity and pain, and yet Hosea clearly married the 1. So if you have this idea that you have to marry the 1 so everything will be wonderful and your problems will go away, just know the Bible clearly does not teach that.
In the book of Ruth we find Ruth marrying Boaz. The reality of the matter is that Boaz was not her nearest kinsman, and should not have been the 1 to marry her. And yet Ruth not marrying the 1 ends up being a beautiful picture of God’s love and preparation. That’s right, Ruth did not marry the 1, and it turned out great.
There is no verse in the Bible commanding you to marry the 1, or to marry the person God picks out for you. The Bible only says in Pro 18:22 Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. The Bible does not describe the man or the woman here. Only saying that if they get married it’s a good thing, and they obtain favor of God. This verse is so unspecific it applies even if you sin and marry someone who is not a Christian. I would argue that this verses teaches that whomever you marry is the one, regardless of circumstances. And that nobody is the one until you say I do.
The closest the Bible gets to the idea of finding the 1 is finding a virtuous woman. Proverbs 31:10 says “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.”
Two thoughts before we begin. Even though this is the closest the Bible gets to talking about the 1, this is not the 1. I would highly encourage you to write out your list on what you think the 1 is and compare it to the virtuous woman. When you see that they don’t match up toss your list. The Bible clearly says that finding a virtuous woman and obtaining her are hard, so its not a sin to not marry a virtuous woman. Marrying a virtuous woman is not a requirement in the Christian faith.
BUT it is a wise thing to marry a virtuous woman. It is a wise thing to wait for her. It is a wise thing to prepare the price of a virtuous woman (the price is character). But it is not a sin to marry someone else.
Most of the time when we read about the virtuous woman we fantasize about our idea of the 1 instead of what God says about the virtuous woman, so lets take a hard look at this topic.
First of all proverbs 31 starts off with a mom talking to her son, and she is giving him words of wisdom. This is a mom telling her son about the characteristics of the woman he should marry. So often Proverbs 31 is talked about as if its just a chapter in the Bible for women, when the chapter clearly starts out talking to men.
Secondly, and this is where we will get our meat from, Proverbs 31 is one of a very few places in the Bible that is talking about couples, and how they should be responding and interact with each other. It really is a shame how so many people read proverbs 31 and only apply it to women because that really saps out the power that this chapter of the Bible has.
The first couple interaction we find is in verse 11 it says “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.”
What this means for a couple is that a man must share his heart intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Then the woman responds by being a safe refuge for everything he shares. If he doesn’t share she is not a virtuous woman. If she is not a safe person to share it with then she is not a virtuous woman. For her to be a virtuous woman both parties have responsibilities.
If you are a man and you marry a woman and don’t want to share your heart with her, then its probably not a sin (and yes its debatable), but you will have a shallow relationship with the woman you married. I don’t know your circumstances so I cant say whether that’s wise or unwise, but according to the Bible if you have a shallow relationship with your wife she is not a virtuous woman.
As a single person seeking to get married you will likely find that its hard to share your heart with someone you just started dating. But that’s fine. Over the weeks and months of dating, over time, you should be sharing your heart. If you find its impossible to share your heart then she is not your virtuous woman.
The second couple interaction is that their work compliments one another. In Proverbs 31 by my count the virtuous woman does 26 jobs. Most people focus on these jobs, but the jobs she does are not important. Honestly in a womans lifetime most women will do most of the things the virtuous woman does. What is really important to the couple is where her work is praised. In verse 31 we find out that her work is praised in the gates, according to verse 23 her husband is known in the gates. I don’t know what her husband is doing at the gates, but all the work she does is helping her husband at the gates.
In Genesis 2:18 God said that he made Eve to be Adams helpmeet. Women are designed to help their husbands do whatever their husbands do.
For you to marry a virtuous woman you would need to marry a woman who you work well with. It is not a sin for you to marry a woman who has her career, and you have your career, and your work never coincides. But for you to marry a virtuous woman you would need to marry a woman who would be a helpmeet to you, but to do that you would need to be doing something that required a helpmeet. If you work a 9 to 5 job, eat out 3 meals a day, and go to church and all you do is sit in a pew, you are not doing anything that requires your wife to actually help you in life which would make it impossible for any woman to be a help meet. And if that’s the way you want to live life then its not a sin. But you wont get a virtuous woman because you will never interact in a way that makes her a virtuous woman. To marry a virtuous woman your work will have to complement one another.
The third couple interaction is they draw each other closer to God. In verse 30 we find out that she fears God. Any relationship that you are in will either draw you closer to God or draw you away from God. If you fear God then if you date someone who draws you away from God then you will break up. But at the same instance you should be encouraging them to have a closer walk with God. It does no good to the couple for the woman to draw the man closer to God while the man is drawing the woman away from God or vice versa. She is only the virtuous woman when both people are drawing each other to God.
So often what happens is that a single decides to get closer to God by dating a “good” Christian who is faithful to church, or in a Christian school, or called to preach or some other good Christian thing, but the entire relationship they are dragging the “good” Christian down. If you do not build up each others walk with God then they are not the virtuous woman.
That said the reality of the situation is that as long as you marry a Christian it is not a sin to marry someone who does not make you a better Christian, and its not a sin to not make them a better Christian. But as men that changes when you become a husband. Once married you are to lead your home in righteousness.
I think the most important lesson we can get from proverbs 31 is that both people in a couple have a role to play, and so often when we think of the 1 in our culture we only think of their role, not our own, and certainly not how one role responds to the other.
Furthermore perusing the virtuous woman does not stop when you say I do. Perusing the virtuous woman is a lifetime process. If you stop doing what you should do after marriage then she cannot be the virtuous woman.
So to sum it up, my understanding of the Bible is that when you get married you found the one, whether that person is a virtuous or not (proverbs 18:22).
So I would encourage all Christians to give up their search to find the one, and for Christian men to search for a lady they can help become a virtuous woman, and for Christian women to look for a man to help them become a virtuous woman, as both men and women have a role in the creation of a virtuous woman.