Bible Supporting Step 3
The thing that makes porn addiction so difficult to deal with in comparison to other addictions is that you don’t need physical porn to partake of your addiction. A lot of that porn is imprinted on your mind and it takes a long time, if ever, to get it out.
Alcoholics need physical alcohol. Pot heads need physical pot. Gamblers need someone to gamble with. As long as a porn addict has access to their imagination they have access to porn. What does the Bible say to help us?
First of all the Bible says a lot about fasting, and fasting has personally helped me go through some very hard days. On days 298-300 when my imagination and mind attacked the snot out of me I fasted for around 40 hours or so. Furthermore Fasting helps points out the things that draws your mind to porn. There is no way for me to talk about dealing with this fantasy life without first mentioning fasting because I would never have been able to deal with it without first fasting. See Bible behind fasting.
Second is Counseling. Counseling in part allows us to bring light into a dark area of our life. But I think there are two much bigger areas that counseling helps out when it comes to fantasy. The first area is simply to have someone to talk to about all the stuff that’s going to be running through your mind as you step away from this addiction. As you suffer through the withdrawal symptoms you have someone there to help bear your burden. You have someone there to help share the load of all those images in your head that you don’t want there. The second area is that this will likely be the first time you are emotionally and spiritually intimate with someone and this is absolutely essential when overcoming your imagination. See Bible behind Counseling.
Intimacy vs Porn
I have found that emotional and spiritual intimacy dismantles my porn fantasies. Emotional intimacy is when you share your burden, spiritual intimacy is when you bear someone’s burden. The first time you confess your sin to your councilor is probably the most emotionally intimate moment in your life, and will likely remain so until you are married. When your councilor helps you bear your burden this person will be the most spiritual intimate person in your life until you are married. For me it was the first non-shallow relationship I had as an adult.
Before we worry about dismantling porn fantasies with intimacy, we must first build an intimacy fantasy. We are building the fantasy of telling our fiancé about our porn addiction. Not that we are still looking at porn, but a hundred, three hundred, five hundred, a thousand, ten thousand days ago we stopped looking at porn. We are telling her the things we took out of our life to make this victory possible and the areas where we struggle daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly. We are telling her who are accountability partner is. We are telling her that she is the only woman we will ever look at. We are telling her how we are guarding our eyes, and heart.
There are several Bible reasons behind this fantasy.
The first Biblical reason is Song of Solomon 2:15 “Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes.”
This verse is showing a couple taking care of foxes before they destroy the vine. The “us” in the verse is referring to the couple. The “vine” is referring to their impending marriage. The “foxes” are referring to anything that could harm that marriage.
You have a fox in your life that is called porn. Right now you have to deal with this fox with a counselor. You cannot deal with this addiction alone! This addiction is certainly something that has affected your life and will affect your marriage, and thus it will affect your fiancé. Thus she has a NEED to know about your addiction. Once you say I do and live together she will be the most dedicated person in your life to keep you from looking at porn. I know of a pastor whose wife looks through every magazine and takes out every inappropriate picture before he looks at the magazine. Why? Because she is helping him deal with his fox!
Not only that Galatians 6:2 Says to “Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.” If you do not share this burden with your fiancé then you are denying her ability to fulfill the law of Christ and helping you bear your burden. Furthermore finding this out before she is married gives her time to pray and fast and seek counseling on how to best help you as you two start your marriage. No offence but she needs time to digest how to bear your burden in this area.
Most of the verses we used in the “What the Bible says about counseling” section are applicable here. When that day comes you need to tell her at least as much as you needed to tell your councilor. But more yet she needs to hear it far more than your councilor did. When you say I do your burdens are her burdens. And vice versa.
When we are fantasizing about intimacy, and truly I think this is the most intimate moment you could possibly imagine as an unmarried who has never been married, we are obeying 2 Corinthians 10:5 “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.”
I promise you that you are going to have porn fantasies go through your mind. They suck. But God’s word says to bring those fantasies into captivity. This is a safe place to go in your mind when you are being attacked. Furthermore this fantasy will allow you to dismantle many of the porn fantasies.
Porn is not Sex
I think its important to know that all porn is a lie. And the Bible backs this up.
When the Bible talks about sex the first time (In the old and new testament) it describes sex as knowing someone. Genesis 4:1, Matthew 1:25.
In Genesis 38 we find the story of Tamar, Judah’s daughter in law. God killed her first husband (Judah’s eldest son) and because she didn’t have any children she married his brother (Judah’s second son) and God killed him. She still didn’t have any children so she should have been married to Judah’s third son but Judah’s third son was too young to marry so she was told to wait for him to grow up, but once he did she saw she wasn’t going to be married to him, she came up with a plan. She knew where Judah would travel so she put a veil on her face and when Judah came by she sold her body to her father in law, without him knowing who she was. She got pregnant with his child, and she proved that he was the father. Afterward the Bible says that he knew her no more. Even during a one night stand, the Bible describes sex as knowing someone.
Sex is linked so close to knowing someone even in Judges 19 when a woman is raped, it is described as the men knowing her. If you have looked at porn for any length of time you know there is a lot of porn out there about hurting women. Some men get off on knowing a woman’s hurt and pain.
If you are wondering how this is the Bible saying porn is a lie then let me answer you. Porn doesn’t allows you to know a person. Porn is about you. Sex’s very nature is about two people. Porn is all about the individual.
See the way God designed you and relationships is that in every relationship you have you develop intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy. In most relationships you have, even if it’s just a hand shake, there is also physical intimacy. God designed sex to make every area of intimacy far more intense. But porn takes the intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy out of sex.
I have found that searching for these areas of intimacy in my fantasy generally disassembles the porn fantasy.
When a fantasy hits my mind and I start looking for areas of intellectual intimacy, all of a sudden I recognize that the girl in my fantasy is someone I could never have a conversation with. I couldn’t enjoy her company outside of where the fantasy has us as two dogs humping. That sours the fantasy.
When a Fantasy hits my mind and I start looking for areas of emotional intimacy, and I recognize that I would have to give up my hopes and my dreams to be with that fantasy, it sours the fantasy.
When a Fantasy hits my mind and I start looking for areas of spiritual intimacy and I see how my fantasy would destroy that girl in my fantasy, it sours.
I have found that when I think of a girl who I could enjoy her company anywhere, who would share my hopes and dreams, who I honestly would like to protect from any burdens, I find that I refuse to think dirty thoughts about that girl because my mind automatically tries to protect her.
Porn is not just a lie because of the lack of intimacy but porn is a lie because porn only gives you a voice. I Corinthians 7:4 says, “the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” When you get married and you proceed to have sex for the first time, she is going to have something to say about it. In how many of your fantasies is the woman you marry telling you “No”? How about that’s not comfortable, or this position hurts, or stop? When you get married your body is her body and she has a voice in what you do.
Try as hard as you want to, your mind only has one voice, yours. When you give that girl in your fantasy a voice it’s just going to sour the whole thing.
To make matters worse, the woman you marry has probably been watching romantic comedies, and reading cheesy love novels most of her life. Most of these have been written by women. The problem is that women love differently than men, so when these women write these stories the men in these stories are loving their women like a woman loves. So whatever she has to say is said from unrealistic expectations created by women reinforcing the wrong ideas of what love and romance are.
So even if you wanted to you cannot imagine her voice.
Fear vs Faith
Every single who does this fast God’s way is living by faith. God says there is no sex outside of marriage. God says that once married you are to only have sex with that one person for life. Porn has taught us that if you don’t like how one female looks go to the next. But if you do things God’s way you will not know how your wife looks until you say I do. This realization can bring fear into your heart that leads to fantasy.
The worlds answer to this question is to find someone you like have sex with them. If it’s good then marry them, if not then keep sleeping with them until you find someone better, since sex is just a better form of masturbation. Make no mistake about it the reason why the world does it this way is because of fear. They want to open the box play with it and if it isn’t everything they imagined trade it in for a better model. The problem is that they are not using an object they are using a person and in using them that way they are affecting that person’s heart and life, and their future spouse/partner/mate, and their children’s future. This is selfish.
If we are not careful we will in our self-righteousness do something very similar. In the fear that porn has brought, this fear that we will marry someone who does not match our fantasy, we begin to pray and fantasize about a wife that will meet our sexual needs, a wife that will sate our lust. And in this prayer and fantasy we put our self in a place where God in his goodness cannot answer our prayer request.
James 4:3 “Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts. “
I can distinctly remember thinking in high school that God would have to give me a wife to cure this porn addiction. I was praying for a wife to sate my lust. God was very good to deny me what I wanted. A wife is so much more than sex, but porn was so much a part of my life I could not see what else to pray for. A wife is one who you share your heart, and life, and dreams, and goals, and victories, and defeats, your joys and your sorrows. And due to porn all I could think about was my lust.
Now I am over 300 days from porn and I feel the pull one minute thinking about all the wonderful things a wife would be to my life, you know intellectual, emotional and spiritual intimacy. But then the next moment I am worried about what her body looks like, or will I have sex often enough and other things that are none of my business right now. I find that when my mind begins to think of my future spouse in ways in ought not (in part because until after I say I do I should not think in that way, and in part because there is no way I will marry my fantasy because my fantasy still has a guy brain, my brain) I need to talk with God about trusting him.
Do you believe God has your best interest at heart?
If so consider James 1:17 “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights.”
As an unmarried person, whether you are not interested in anyone right now, or your dating, or engaged it is very easy for the flesh to get you to think about whether her body matches up or will match up because that is what porn has trained your mind to do. When these thoughts come up, if you trust God, you need to go back to this verse.
If you think that God has your best interest at heart do you think he will give you a woman you will not be satisfied with? Can we be very honest right now? Over the years of your porn addiction you probably got off on every body type. If it didn’t matter what a woman’s body type was when you were looking at porn then it probably won’t matter what her body type is once you are married. Why let your flesh dwell on this?
God is very kind, He knows that you need more than some perfect body type. God knows you need a wife to be intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually intimate with. God knows you need a wife to share your hopes, dreams, work, ministry, family and life with. God knows that as long as you are consumed by porn he cannot give you a wife because she would not be a good gift for you right now. And she being one of God’s daughters, God would consider you a bad gift for her.
When these thoughts of body type come up I find myself simply praying “God I trust you in this matter.” Unlike any other area of fantasy this is an area where God is in exclusive control at. For me to need to check things out first shows a total lack of faith, and cannot happen according to my beliefs. This is an area of my mind, life and fantasy that is given over exclusively to God.
This is an area of fantasy that the marrieds do not have to deal with. It is one of the areas that highlights the difference in struggle we have. They know what they have. But as unmarrieds fasting from porn we have got to put total trust in God in this area. All unmarrieds overcoming porn are living a life of fasting and faith.
Curiosity
I have found that even though I recognize that porn is a lie at times due to curiosity I am still pulled toward it. I can’t go to Netflix or red box because I have a habit of looking for the bad movies so ingrained I would go looking for them. I cannot go through steam because I will look for the games with nudity in them (even though I never cared for porn games). I have to be really careful about where I go to read books because out of curiosity I will read the bad parts. I have totally stopped going to news websites because inevitably they will have a story on sex and I will click on it.
I was praying about this one day and God reminded me of a scripture. Ephesians 5:31-32 “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. THIS IS A GREAT MYSTERY.”
In this passage of scripture marriage is being compared to the relationship between the church and Christ. And it is saying that men are a mystery to women, and women are a mystery to men, and God is a mystery to everybody.
God intentionally made women a mystery to men so that men would be intrigued and try to solve the mystery. Unfortunately porn in all its forms says that if you want the answer to the mystery I will show you. It is easy to try to have your curiosity quenched with porn. But that’s not okay. God put this curiosity this need in your heart to solve this mystery of women in your heart so that for the rest of your life you will pursue your wife. Not just sexually, but intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and yes physically, but physically outside of sex too.
Because of Ephesians 5:32 I have found my curiosity is a right and good thing that comes from God, but I have to look for the answers to this mystery in a biblical manner. It has got to pass the Philippians 4:8 test “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”
When I am consumed by curiosity, not because I am a bad Christian, because God made me with a desire to learn about this mystery called woman I need to make sure the way I quench my curiosity is true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous, and praise worthy.
Looking back I see all the times I was curious and my answer was porn, and I am saddened that I took a good gift from God and let porn damage it. But now that I recognize this mystery I can rightly search it out.
Within a first few weeks of being counseled my pastor mentioned that he was always learning something new about his wife. He has been married forty years. Think about how good God is to make each individual woman a person we can spend our life discovering. It is a great gift from God to make women a mystery to us.
What a waste it is that men complain about how their wife is intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually different than them. What a waste it is that men complain that women want to be physically intimate in a different way than they do. This difference is a great gift from God. And I as a man need to prepare my heart to learning the mystery that is woman. Not just sexually as porn teaches, but intellectually, emotionally, spiritually and physically apart from sex. God is so good to give us such a different perspective in women.
At times I am overwhelmed by curiosity but since I know it is a God given gift I must pursue it in a right way. Currently when curiosity hits I will read “Men are like waffles, women are like spaghetti”. The thing with fantasy is not never thinking about sex, but as the fantasies hit guiding your thought life as an unmarried person to think about your fantasies in a right and Biblical manor. Learning how women think differently in this book or one of the many others that explore the same topic is a wonderful way to explore this mystery as an unmarried, and further push your fantasy life away from porn.
Harem
Porn would go out of business if it only had one picture, or one video. Porn’s strength is in its numbers and variety. As you step away from porn, sooner or later you’re probably going to have fantasies about harems. Which is simply how your flesh is going to try to get you back to porn. When a fantasy of a haram is brought to mind it is how your flesh is trying to get around your defenses to think about porn. Really what is the difference between a harem and porn?
The Bible has a lot to say about harems. None of it is encouraging. In Genesis 16 Sarah gave Abraham her servant to be his wife. The heartbreak that followed is still being felt today. That woman had Ishmael which is the father of the Muslims. Because of a harem.
In Genesis chapter 29 and 30 we find Jacob marrying 4 women. It is total heartbreak and sorrow. His first wife Leah has 7 kids and every time she has a kid she thinks her husband will love her now. Her sister and Jacobs wife can’t have any kids so out of jealousy she has Jacob marry her servant to have kids for her, then Leah does the same with her servant, and the bickering and pain and sorrow that happens in those two chapters in the Bible is almost overwhelming. Nobody was happy in the Haram. To make matters worse when Rachel finally had a child (Joseph) all the frustration from what had been going on between Leah and Rebecca was played out by their sons and they sold Joseph into slavery. They did this in a large part because these boys were emulating the hate and envy they watched their moms have toward one another. Because of a harem.
Go to the book of I Samual chapter 1 and we find a man married to two women. He loved one of them but she couldn’t have kids, and the other wife made her life miserable by flaunting the children she had. One woman is upset that her husband loves another woman more than her. The other woman feels she isn’t as good as the other because the other one has kids. Her husband is trying to keep peace between the two women. And the entire situation is a mess. Because of a harem.
Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines according to I Kings 11. According to porn he should have been the happiest man in the world. But according to the book of Ecclesiastes he was probably the most depressed man in the Bible. He had riches, women and wine. But he was miserable. Riches, women and wine only bring happiness for a little while and then you have to deal with life. That is really what the book of Ecclesiastes is about, he had everything that the world said brought happiness but he found all of it was just vanity and vexation of spirit. Because of a harem.
In Proverbs 30:18-19 Solomon tells us that he does not know the way of a man with a maid. How could a man with 700 wives and 300 concubines not know the way of a man with a maid? If he is talking about sex its ludicrous but if he is talking about emotional and spiritual intimacy it’s obvious. How could he do what is best for any one of his wives when he had to be a husband to them all? The day he married his second wife was the day he could no longer be totally intimate with another person. I think he greatly regretted that decision.
If you were married to hundreds of women and felt that was the greatest mistake of your life how would you try to keep your kids from making the same mistake? I think Solomon went before God and prayerfully looked for an answer and God had him write the book Song of Solomon.
I can picture Solomon gathering his kids together and singing this song (The Song of Solomon) to them in the hopes that his children would not make the same mistake as him. So much in this book is about an exclusive relationship.
In Chapter 1:8 he calls the girl fairest among women. If she is the fairest why would a man need another wife?
In Chapter 2:1-3 a conversation is done between the couple where the girl says she is the lily of the valley and rose of Sharon. Two very common flowers. The guy says she is a lily among thorns, in essence if she is a lily then everyone else is a thorn. He only has eyes for her. Then she turns around and says that in a forest he is an apple tree that feeds her. Nobody else does that.
In 2:16 the woman says her beloved is hers, and she is his. An exclusive relationship.
In 4:9 the young man in the song says the woman ravished his heart. I can picture Solomon singing this and looking sad or wincing when he sings that part. He has married so many women that he can have any body type he wants. But none of the women can ravish his heart because he has more than one wife. He is encouraging his boys to only love one woman to be ravished in a way dad cannot be. Intimacy.
In 5:8-16 she is asked what is so great about her beloved and she starts describing how amazing he is to her. To her he is the cheifest among ten thousand, he is handsome in so many ways. But the last thing it says is that her beloved is her friend.
In 6:3 she again says that she is her beloveds and he is hers. An exclusive relationship.
In 6:9 the young man says that this woman is the choicest one of her mother. She is number one to him.
7:10 has the woman in the song saying that she is her beloveds and his desire is toward her. I would imagine Solomon would put that in the song for his sons and daughters. It would be good for his sons to desire one woman and her alone. It would be good for his daughters to be desired by their husband alone.
8:6-7 he tells his children to set a seal upon their heart for this love. He warns them that jealousy is cruel. He would have known what jealousy was more than any man alive. He would have watched as every single one of his wives was jealous of every other one of his wives. All of them were vying for his attention, and it was cruel to the women, and their children. But if his kids could put a seal on their heart to love exclusively, if his boys only married one woman if his girls married a man who only married them then that love is worth so much if a man offered his entire house for that love, it would be despised. Love, exclusive love, is worth more than all a man’s substance to the point that all the man’s substance offered for love is an insult.
One day when you are struggling with a fantasy that deals with a haram, I would encourage you to read Song of Solomon and focus on how often Solomon encouraged exclusivity. Not to mention how often he encouraged intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy. Solomon also talked about physical intimacy and sex, but the thing is every time he talked about sex he did so discreetly. I have a degree in theology, and I have heard pastors talk about how raunchy (their word) the book is, but I cannot see it. Solomon was discreet. I think Solomon was discreet because he knew his kids were not yet ready to see that, but once they were ready to see it he wanted them to have direction. Why? Because he wanted to encourage exclusivity. He wanted better for them than what he had for himself.
I wont lie to you. When the Lord laid it on my heart to study out Song of Solomon I was fearful. I thought back to when I was in Bible college and I saw that video that was supposedly for the singles, where a man got up and preached out of Song of Solomon and he began to explicitly talk about sex. I was fearful that as I read through Song of Solomon I would see a bunch of sex like that man talked about and be troubled with it for days.
Maybe other men need to watch XXX porn with people have orgies and weird over the top sex to get enticed. For me a short written description on sex is enough. Doesn’t even need pictures. So imagine my relief as I read through Song of Solomon and I only see sex in 1 or 2 verses. Whereas before that man had sex in practically every other word in the book. Instead of seeing explicit sex in the book, I saw a dad trying his best to raise his kids to not make the same mistake he did. God has brought much healing for me in this study.
Conclusion
Dealing with Fantasy is an extremely broad topic. Honestly I hope I have helped you with your fantasy life. Its not about never lusting, or never thinking about sex until you get married. Its about capturing your thoughts and putting them where God intended.
If you struggle with fantasy in an area different than what I mentioned I would encourage you to take James 1:5 to heart, “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.”
Every struggle I have had in fantasy, I have brought to God, and he has given me the wisdom on how to deal with it through His Word.
I would encourage you to read your Bible and as you struggle with your thought life in ways not mentioned here, watch God provide you an answer. Watch God show you how to turn your heart to the right path.
When God made you he made you to think a certain way, but porn turns your thought life into a direction it should not go. Your goal is to turn your thoughts back into the direction they should be going according to God’s Word.
This is an important distinction over what most people teach concerning porn addiction. They teach stop this or stop that. Honestly I don’t think porn is creating a new thing in your mind, it is simply perverting a thought life that God meant for good. So stopping is not the answer, diverting is.
Diverting porn into intimacy, diverting fear into faith, diverting harem into exclusivity, diverting what porn perverted in your mind, to what God intended in the first place.
Alcoholics need physical alcohol. Pot heads need physical pot. Gamblers need someone to gamble with. As long as a porn addict has access to their imagination they have access to porn. What does the Bible say to help us?
First of all the Bible says a lot about fasting, and fasting has personally helped me go through some very hard days. On days 298-300 when my imagination and mind attacked the snot out of me I fasted for around 40 hours or so. Furthermore Fasting helps points out the things that draws your mind to porn. There is no way for me to talk about dealing with this fantasy life without first mentioning fasting because I would never have been able to deal with it without first fasting. See Bible behind fasting.
Second is Counseling. Counseling in part allows us to bring light into a dark area of our life. But I think there are two much bigger areas that counseling helps out when it comes to fantasy. The first area is simply to have someone to talk to about all the stuff that’s going to be running through your mind as you step away from this addiction. As you suffer through the withdrawal symptoms you have someone there to help bear your burden. You have someone there to help share the load of all those images in your head that you don’t want there. The second area is that this will likely be the first time you are emotionally and spiritually intimate with someone and this is absolutely essential when overcoming your imagination. See Bible behind Counseling.
Intimacy vs Porn
I have found that emotional and spiritual intimacy dismantles my porn fantasies. Emotional intimacy is when you share your burden, spiritual intimacy is when you bear someone’s burden. The first time you confess your sin to your councilor is probably the most emotionally intimate moment in your life, and will likely remain so until you are married. When your councilor helps you bear your burden this person will be the most spiritual intimate person in your life until you are married. For me it was the first non-shallow relationship I had as an adult.
Before we worry about dismantling porn fantasies with intimacy, we must first build an intimacy fantasy. We are building the fantasy of telling our fiancé about our porn addiction. Not that we are still looking at porn, but a hundred, three hundred, five hundred, a thousand, ten thousand days ago we stopped looking at porn. We are telling her the things we took out of our life to make this victory possible and the areas where we struggle daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly. We are telling her who are accountability partner is. We are telling her that she is the only woman we will ever look at. We are telling her how we are guarding our eyes, and heart.
There are several Bible reasons behind this fantasy.
The first Biblical reason is Song of Solomon 2:15 “Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes.”
This verse is showing a couple taking care of foxes before they destroy the vine. The “us” in the verse is referring to the couple. The “vine” is referring to their impending marriage. The “foxes” are referring to anything that could harm that marriage.
You have a fox in your life that is called porn. Right now you have to deal with this fox with a counselor. You cannot deal with this addiction alone! This addiction is certainly something that has affected your life and will affect your marriage, and thus it will affect your fiancé. Thus she has a NEED to know about your addiction. Once you say I do and live together she will be the most dedicated person in your life to keep you from looking at porn. I know of a pastor whose wife looks through every magazine and takes out every inappropriate picture before he looks at the magazine. Why? Because she is helping him deal with his fox!
Not only that Galatians 6:2 Says to “Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.” If you do not share this burden with your fiancé then you are denying her ability to fulfill the law of Christ and helping you bear your burden. Furthermore finding this out before she is married gives her time to pray and fast and seek counseling on how to best help you as you two start your marriage. No offence but she needs time to digest how to bear your burden in this area.
Most of the verses we used in the “What the Bible says about counseling” section are applicable here. When that day comes you need to tell her at least as much as you needed to tell your councilor. But more yet she needs to hear it far more than your councilor did. When you say I do your burdens are her burdens. And vice versa.
When we are fantasizing about intimacy, and truly I think this is the most intimate moment you could possibly imagine as an unmarried who has never been married, we are obeying 2 Corinthians 10:5 “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.”
I promise you that you are going to have porn fantasies go through your mind. They suck. But God’s word says to bring those fantasies into captivity. This is a safe place to go in your mind when you are being attacked. Furthermore this fantasy will allow you to dismantle many of the porn fantasies.
Porn is not Sex
I think its important to know that all porn is a lie. And the Bible backs this up.
When the Bible talks about sex the first time (In the old and new testament) it describes sex as knowing someone. Genesis 4:1, Matthew 1:25.
In Genesis 38 we find the story of Tamar, Judah’s daughter in law. God killed her first husband (Judah’s eldest son) and because she didn’t have any children she married his brother (Judah’s second son) and God killed him. She still didn’t have any children so she should have been married to Judah’s third son but Judah’s third son was too young to marry so she was told to wait for him to grow up, but once he did she saw she wasn’t going to be married to him, she came up with a plan. She knew where Judah would travel so she put a veil on her face and when Judah came by she sold her body to her father in law, without him knowing who she was. She got pregnant with his child, and she proved that he was the father. Afterward the Bible says that he knew her no more. Even during a one night stand, the Bible describes sex as knowing someone.
Sex is linked so close to knowing someone even in Judges 19 when a woman is raped, it is described as the men knowing her. If you have looked at porn for any length of time you know there is a lot of porn out there about hurting women. Some men get off on knowing a woman’s hurt and pain.
If you are wondering how this is the Bible saying porn is a lie then let me answer you. Porn doesn’t allows you to know a person. Porn is about you. Sex’s very nature is about two people. Porn is all about the individual.
See the way God designed you and relationships is that in every relationship you have you develop intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy. In most relationships you have, even if it’s just a hand shake, there is also physical intimacy. God designed sex to make every area of intimacy far more intense. But porn takes the intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy out of sex.
I have found that searching for these areas of intimacy in my fantasy generally disassembles the porn fantasy.
When a fantasy hits my mind and I start looking for areas of intellectual intimacy, all of a sudden I recognize that the girl in my fantasy is someone I could never have a conversation with. I couldn’t enjoy her company outside of where the fantasy has us as two dogs humping. That sours the fantasy.
When a Fantasy hits my mind and I start looking for areas of emotional intimacy, and I recognize that I would have to give up my hopes and my dreams to be with that fantasy, it sours the fantasy.
When a Fantasy hits my mind and I start looking for areas of spiritual intimacy and I see how my fantasy would destroy that girl in my fantasy, it sours.
I have found that when I think of a girl who I could enjoy her company anywhere, who would share my hopes and dreams, who I honestly would like to protect from any burdens, I find that I refuse to think dirty thoughts about that girl because my mind automatically tries to protect her.
Porn is not just a lie because of the lack of intimacy but porn is a lie because porn only gives you a voice. I Corinthians 7:4 says, “the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” When you get married and you proceed to have sex for the first time, she is going to have something to say about it. In how many of your fantasies is the woman you marry telling you “No”? How about that’s not comfortable, or this position hurts, or stop? When you get married your body is her body and she has a voice in what you do.
Try as hard as you want to, your mind only has one voice, yours. When you give that girl in your fantasy a voice it’s just going to sour the whole thing.
To make matters worse, the woman you marry has probably been watching romantic comedies, and reading cheesy love novels most of her life. Most of these have been written by women. The problem is that women love differently than men, so when these women write these stories the men in these stories are loving their women like a woman loves. So whatever she has to say is said from unrealistic expectations created by women reinforcing the wrong ideas of what love and romance are.
So even if you wanted to you cannot imagine her voice.
Fear vs Faith
Every single who does this fast God’s way is living by faith. God says there is no sex outside of marriage. God says that once married you are to only have sex with that one person for life. Porn has taught us that if you don’t like how one female looks go to the next. But if you do things God’s way you will not know how your wife looks until you say I do. This realization can bring fear into your heart that leads to fantasy.
The worlds answer to this question is to find someone you like have sex with them. If it’s good then marry them, if not then keep sleeping with them until you find someone better, since sex is just a better form of masturbation. Make no mistake about it the reason why the world does it this way is because of fear. They want to open the box play with it and if it isn’t everything they imagined trade it in for a better model. The problem is that they are not using an object they are using a person and in using them that way they are affecting that person’s heart and life, and their future spouse/partner/mate, and their children’s future. This is selfish.
If we are not careful we will in our self-righteousness do something very similar. In the fear that porn has brought, this fear that we will marry someone who does not match our fantasy, we begin to pray and fantasize about a wife that will meet our sexual needs, a wife that will sate our lust. And in this prayer and fantasy we put our self in a place where God in his goodness cannot answer our prayer request.
James 4:3 “Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts. “
I can distinctly remember thinking in high school that God would have to give me a wife to cure this porn addiction. I was praying for a wife to sate my lust. God was very good to deny me what I wanted. A wife is so much more than sex, but porn was so much a part of my life I could not see what else to pray for. A wife is one who you share your heart, and life, and dreams, and goals, and victories, and defeats, your joys and your sorrows. And due to porn all I could think about was my lust.
Now I am over 300 days from porn and I feel the pull one minute thinking about all the wonderful things a wife would be to my life, you know intellectual, emotional and spiritual intimacy. But then the next moment I am worried about what her body looks like, or will I have sex often enough and other things that are none of my business right now. I find that when my mind begins to think of my future spouse in ways in ought not (in part because until after I say I do I should not think in that way, and in part because there is no way I will marry my fantasy because my fantasy still has a guy brain, my brain) I need to talk with God about trusting him.
Do you believe God has your best interest at heart?
If so consider James 1:17 “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights.”
As an unmarried person, whether you are not interested in anyone right now, or your dating, or engaged it is very easy for the flesh to get you to think about whether her body matches up or will match up because that is what porn has trained your mind to do. When these thoughts come up, if you trust God, you need to go back to this verse.
If you think that God has your best interest at heart do you think he will give you a woman you will not be satisfied with? Can we be very honest right now? Over the years of your porn addiction you probably got off on every body type. If it didn’t matter what a woman’s body type was when you were looking at porn then it probably won’t matter what her body type is once you are married. Why let your flesh dwell on this?
God is very kind, He knows that you need more than some perfect body type. God knows you need a wife to be intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually intimate with. God knows you need a wife to share your hopes, dreams, work, ministry, family and life with. God knows that as long as you are consumed by porn he cannot give you a wife because she would not be a good gift for you right now. And she being one of God’s daughters, God would consider you a bad gift for her.
When these thoughts of body type come up I find myself simply praying “God I trust you in this matter.” Unlike any other area of fantasy this is an area where God is in exclusive control at. For me to need to check things out first shows a total lack of faith, and cannot happen according to my beliefs. This is an area of my mind, life and fantasy that is given over exclusively to God.
This is an area of fantasy that the marrieds do not have to deal with. It is one of the areas that highlights the difference in struggle we have. They know what they have. But as unmarrieds fasting from porn we have got to put total trust in God in this area. All unmarrieds overcoming porn are living a life of fasting and faith.
Curiosity
I have found that even though I recognize that porn is a lie at times due to curiosity I am still pulled toward it. I can’t go to Netflix or red box because I have a habit of looking for the bad movies so ingrained I would go looking for them. I cannot go through steam because I will look for the games with nudity in them (even though I never cared for porn games). I have to be really careful about where I go to read books because out of curiosity I will read the bad parts. I have totally stopped going to news websites because inevitably they will have a story on sex and I will click on it.
I was praying about this one day and God reminded me of a scripture. Ephesians 5:31-32 “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. THIS IS A GREAT MYSTERY.”
In this passage of scripture marriage is being compared to the relationship between the church and Christ. And it is saying that men are a mystery to women, and women are a mystery to men, and God is a mystery to everybody.
God intentionally made women a mystery to men so that men would be intrigued and try to solve the mystery. Unfortunately porn in all its forms says that if you want the answer to the mystery I will show you. It is easy to try to have your curiosity quenched with porn. But that’s not okay. God put this curiosity this need in your heart to solve this mystery of women in your heart so that for the rest of your life you will pursue your wife. Not just sexually, but intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and yes physically, but physically outside of sex too.
Because of Ephesians 5:32 I have found my curiosity is a right and good thing that comes from God, but I have to look for the answers to this mystery in a biblical manner. It has got to pass the Philippians 4:8 test “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”
When I am consumed by curiosity, not because I am a bad Christian, because God made me with a desire to learn about this mystery called woman I need to make sure the way I quench my curiosity is true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous, and praise worthy.
Looking back I see all the times I was curious and my answer was porn, and I am saddened that I took a good gift from God and let porn damage it. But now that I recognize this mystery I can rightly search it out.
Within a first few weeks of being counseled my pastor mentioned that he was always learning something new about his wife. He has been married forty years. Think about how good God is to make each individual woman a person we can spend our life discovering. It is a great gift from God to make women a mystery to us.
What a waste it is that men complain about how their wife is intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually different than them. What a waste it is that men complain that women want to be physically intimate in a different way than they do. This difference is a great gift from God. And I as a man need to prepare my heart to learning the mystery that is woman. Not just sexually as porn teaches, but intellectually, emotionally, spiritually and physically apart from sex. God is so good to give us such a different perspective in women.
At times I am overwhelmed by curiosity but since I know it is a God given gift I must pursue it in a right way. Currently when curiosity hits I will read “Men are like waffles, women are like spaghetti”. The thing with fantasy is not never thinking about sex, but as the fantasies hit guiding your thought life as an unmarried person to think about your fantasies in a right and Biblical manor. Learning how women think differently in this book or one of the many others that explore the same topic is a wonderful way to explore this mystery as an unmarried, and further push your fantasy life away from porn.
Harem
Porn would go out of business if it only had one picture, or one video. Porn’s strength is in its numbers and variety. As you step away from porn, sooner or later you’re probably going to have fantasies about harems. Which is simply how your flesh is going to try to get you back to porn. When a fantasy of a haram is brought to mind it is how your flesh is trying to get around your defenses to think about porn. Really what is the difference between a harem and porn?
The Bible has a lot to say about harems. None of it is encouraging. In Genesis 16 Sarah gave Abraham her servant to be his wife. The heartbreak that followed is still being felt today. That woman had Ishmael which is the father of the Muslims. Because of a harem.
In Genesis chapter 29 and 30 we find Jacob marrying 4 women. It is total heartbreak and sorrow. His first wife Leah has 7 kids and every time she has a kid she thinks her husband will love her now. Her sister and Jacobs wife can’t have any kids so out of jealousy she has Jacob marry her servant to have kids for her, then Leah does the same with her servant, and the bickering and pain and sorrow that happens in those two chapters in the Bible is almost overwhelming. Nobody was happy in the Haram. To make matters worse when Rachel finally had a child (Joseph) all the frustration from what had been going on between Leah and Rebecca was played out by their sons and they sold Joseph into slavery. They did this in a large part because these boys were emulating the hate and envy they watched their moms have toward one another. Because of a harem.
Go to the book of I Samual chapter 1 and we find a man married to two women. He loved one of them but she couldn’t have kids, and the other wife made her life miserable by flaunting the children she had. One woman is upset that her husband loves another woman more than her. The other woman feels she isn’t as good as the other because the other one has kids. Her husband is trying to keep peace between the two women. And the entire situation is a mess. Because of a harem.
Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines according to I Kings 11. According to porn he should have been the happiest man in the world. But according to the book of Ecclesiastes he was probably the most depressed man in the Bible. He had riches, women and wine. But he was miserable. Riches, women and wine only bring happiness for a little while and then you have to deal with life. That is really what the book of Ecclesiastes is about, he had everything that the world said brought happiness but he found all of it was just vanity and vexation of spirit. Because of a harem.
In Proverbs 30:18-19 Solomon tells us that he does not know the way of a man with a maid. How could a man with 700 wives and 300 concubines not know the way of a man with a maid? If he is talking about sex its ludicrous but if he is talking about emotional and spiritual intimacy it’s obvious. How could he do what is best for any one of his wives when he had to be a husband to them all? The day he married his second wife was the day he could no longer be totally intimate with another person. I think he greatly regretted that decision.
If you were married to hundreds of women and felt that was the greatest mistake of your life how would you try to keep your kids from making the same mistake? I think Solomon went before God and prayerfully looked for an answer and God had him write the book Song of Solomon.
I can picture Solomon gathering his kids together and singing this song (The Song of Solomon) to them in the hopes that his children would not make the same mistake as him. So much in this book is about an exclusive relationship.
In Chapter 1:8 he calls the girl fairest among women. If she is the fairest why would a man need another wife?
In Chapter 2:1-3 a conversation is done between the couple where the girl says she is the lily of the valley and rose of Sharon. Two very common flowers. The guy says she is a lily among thorns, in essence if she is a lily then everyone else is a thorn. He only has eyes for her. Then she turns around and says that in a forest he is an apple tree that feeds her. Nobody else does that.
In 2:16 the woman says her beloved is hers, and she is his. An exclusive relationship.
In 4:9 the young man in the song says the woman ravished his heart. I can picture Solomon singing this and looking sad or wincing when he sings that part. He has married so many women that he can have any body type he wants. But none of the women can ravish his heart because he has more than one wife. He is encouraging his boys to only love one woman to be ravished in a way dad cannot be. Intimacy.
In 5:8-16 she is asked what is so great about her beloved and she starts describing how amazing he is to her. To her he is the cheifest among ten thousand, he is handsome in so many ways. But the last thing it says is that her beloved is her friend.
In 6:3 she again says that she is her beloveds and he is hers. An exclusive relationship.
In 6:9 the young man says that this woman is the choicest one of her mother. She is number one to him.
7:10 has the woman in the song saying that she is her beloveds and his desire is toward her. I would imagine Solomon would put that in the song for his sons and daughters. It would be good for his sons to desire one woman and her alone. It would be good for his daughters to be desired by their husband alone.
8:6-7 he tells his children to set a seal upon their heart for this love. He warns them that jealousy is cruel. He would have known what jealousy was more than any man alive. He would have watched as every single one of his wives was jealous of every other one of his wives. All of them were vying for his attention, and it was cruel to the women, and their children. But if his kids could put a seal on their heart to love exclusively, if his boys only married one woman if his girls married a man who only married them then that love is worth so much if a man offered his entire house for that love, it would be despised. Love, exclusive love, is worth more than all a man’s substance to the point that all the man’s substance offered for love is an insult.
One day when you are struggling with a fantasy that deals with a haram, I would encourage you to read Song of Solomon and focus on how often Solomon encouraged exclusivity. Not to mention how often he encouraged intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy. Solomon also talked about physical intimacy and sex, but the thing is every time he talked about sex he did so discreetly. I have a degree in theology, and I have heard pastors talk about how raunchy (their word) the book is, but I cannot see it. Solomon was discreet. I think Solomon was discreet because he knew his kids were not yet ready to see that, but once they were ready to see it he wanted them to have direction. Why? Because he wanted to encourage exclusivity. He wanted better for them than what he had for himself.
I wont lie to you. When the Lord laid it on my heart to study out Song of Solomon I was fearful. I thought back to when I was in Bible college and I saw that video that was supposedly for the singles, where a man got up and preached out of Song of Solomon and he began to explicitly talk about sex. I was fearful that as I read through Song of Solomon I would see a bunch of sex like that man talked about and be troubled with it for days.
Maybe other men need to watch XXX porn with people have orgies and weird over the top sex to get enticed. For me a short written description on sex is enough. Doesn’t even need pictures. So imagine my relief as I read through Song of Solomon and I only see sex in 1 or 2 verses. Whereas before that man had sex in practically every other word in the book. Instead of seeing explicit sex in the book, I saw a dad trying his best to raise his kids to not make the same mistake he did. God has brought much healing for me in this study.
Conclusion
Dealing with Fantasy is an extremely broad topic. Honestly I hope I have helped you with your fantasy life. Its not about never lusting, or never thinking about sex until you get married. Its about capturing your thoughts and putting them where God intended.
If you struggle with fantasy in an area different than what I mentioned I would encourage you to take James 1:5 to heart, “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.”
Every struggle I have had in fantasy, I have brought to God, and he has given me the wisdom on how to deal with it through His Word.
I would encourage you to read your Bible and as you struggle with your thought life in ways not mentioned here, watch God provide you an answer. Watch God show you how to turn your heart to the right path.
When God made you he made you to think a certain way, but porn turns your thought life into a direction it should not go. Your goal is to turn your thoughts back into the direction they should be going according to God’s Word.
This is an important distinction over what most people teach concerning porn addiction. They teach stop this or stop that. Honestly I don’t think porn is creating a new thing in your mind, it is simply perverting a thought life that God meant for good. So stopping is not the answer, diverting is.
Diverting porn into intimacy, diverting fear into faith, diverting harem into exclusivity, diverting what porn perverted in your mind, to what God intended in the first place.