Finding a Mentor
I believe that every adult Christian needs a mentor. And I believe that a mentor is most effective with single adult Christians.
What is a mentor? A mentor for a Christian is a more mature Christian than you, who is further along in life than you, who pours their life into your life.
They pour their life into your life in 3 areas.
The first area is service.
A Christian that can be your mentor is further along in the faith than you. They have served for many years, and they don’t just know how to use their gift, but they know all the mundane things that must happen so that they can effectively use their gift. There are so many small details to anything that is done effectively it cannot be clearly explained, it can only clearly be shown.
The Bible tells us in I Corinthians 11:1 Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of Christ.
You are going to learn from a mentor by seeing them do stuff. You have a need to see how they get things done. You are going to see how they get things done when they have enough trust in you to let you follow them around and watch them. As they follow Christ you must follow them. This is how you are going to learn about all the little things that go into serving the Lord.
Then in time, as you learn from their example they will give you opportunity to serve and use your gifts. You learn from a mentor by watching them do whatever they do.
If you are very fortunate your parents can be your mentor, but the vast majority of people don’t have that opportunity, and that’s fine. Since the vast majority of mentors really can not mentor their kids because of differences in gifts, abilities, and desires. It is okay to look at the mentor relationship as one where a mature Christian is leaving their legacy in you. And every mature Christian should be leaving their legacy in many people.
As you are looking for a mentor I must give you this warning. A mentor should be someone of the same sex as you.
1Ti 2:12 But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.
When the Bible says this its not being sexist. It is really just pointing out that men and women are different. Men and women play different roles, have different ways of doing things, and think in totally different ways.
Many times in churches women are far more active than men. And the men who are active are very overloaded. And women have a nurturing spirit and generally men do not. So when it comes time to mentor a young man, women in their helpful nature will jump at the opportunity, and often times men wont.
If all a mentor did was show you how to turn a screw driver, or how to smile, or how to read from a curriculum then women could do a good job of showing a man how to do that. Or a man could do a good job of showing a woman how to do that. But a mentor shows all the mundane things that go with using your gifts.
One of the mundane things is how to act socially as you use your gifts. A woman cannot teach a man how to act in social situations. A man cannot teach a woman how to act socially. Men and women are far too different there are too many little details. A man must show a man all the little details of being a man. A woman must show another woman all the little details of being a woman.
I have been in a place before where when I was 18 I started teaching in junior church and a woman was over it. She did a spectacular job in what she did. I learned a lot from her, and people were telling me how great of a job I was doing teaching, but outside of teaching I had no idea how to act. I knew it and others knew it, but my social skills did not develop until I found a man to be my mentor.
You need someone of the same sex to be your mentor, to pour their life into you, to learn how to serve effectively in all situations including social situation, to be their legacy. To follow.
Closeness
One of the things you need a mentor for is the absolute closeness that biblical mentorship demands. If you have never been married this will likely be the closest relationship you have ever been in.
In I Thesolonians 2:11 the mentor is called to do three things. But the three things they are called to do isn’t important. What is important is the way they are called to do those three things.
1Th 2:11 As ye know how we exhorted and comforted and charged every one of you, as a father doth his children,
If you are a man then your mentor is called to exhort you like a father would exhort his son. If you are woman then your mentor is called to exhort you like she would her daughter. Anything less is not good enough.
If you are a man then your mentor is called to comfort you like a son. If you are a woman then your mentor is called to comfort you like she would her daughter. Anything less is not good enough.
If you are a man then your mentor is called to charge (implore) you like he would his own son. If you are a woman then your mentor is called to charge (implore) you like she would her own daughter. Anything less is not good enough.
And in return you are commanded to
1Ti 5:1 Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren;
1Ti 5:2 The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity.
As men find other men to who will treat them like a son, we in turn treat them like a father. As women find a woman to treat them like a daughter then in turn they treat them like a mother.
Honestly we live in a generation who needs to live this Bible more than any other generation in at least American history.
How many of us grew up in a home without a dad. I know I did. My dad died when I was 11 years old, and I was 28 before I found a man willing and able to disciple me. So many issues I had developed since I was a teenager, really from a lack of direction or guidance from mature Christian men in the faith, were dealt with in a matter of months. And come father’s day I give him a card. I am a single guy and I am closer to that man than anyone else in the world.
How many people in my generation grew up in a home with parents who were less than they ought to be? How many were emotionally (or otherwise) abused, and have emotional scars?
Developing a relationship with a mentor where you entreat them like a parent, and they entreat you like their own child is the scriptural way for adults to develop the things that should have been developed when they were children.
4 books in a row in the New Testament has a man calling other men his sons in the faith. I Timothy, II Timothy, Titus, and Philemon. Throughout the new testament the idea of a man treating another man as a father does a son is practiced.
Maybe you are a single person who has been pushed away by every mature Christian you have ever reached out to, and you don’t want to bother Christians anymore with this relationship. Maybe you are convinced that you should just leave them alone and not be a burden to their life. But the truth is until you develop a relationship with a mentor you are robbing them of the greatest joy they will have in this life. 3 John 1:4 says “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.”
This verse isn’t talking about biological children this verse is talking about the people he mentored. The writer of this verse is saying that there are people in the world that he mentored and got so close to that he considers them his own children and that his greatest joy in life is to know that the people he mentored walk in truth.
Without a mentor you are robbing a mature Christian of the greatest joy they will ever experience in this life.
Fixing Fault
One of the jobs a mentor has, is to recognize faults in your life and point out those faults to you and then help you fix those faults.
Gal 6:1 Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.
A mentor will, likely, be the closest person in your life until you get married. A mentor will be working with you to help you with whatever goals you have. Because of the closeness you have and the focus you share a mentor will be able to see faults in your life and must be able to correct those faults.
It may be something as simple as “You have bad breath because of indigestion, you need to always have a mint in your mouth.”
To “You are always offending people you need to read such and such book and then we will talk about how to implement it in your life”.
There may be maturity problems, technical problems, sin problems, hygiene problems, etc. Whatever the problem the mentor in your life should be close enough to you that they can tell you any problems they see in your life without you getting offended. It will be humbling to have someone point out your faults.
It is counter culture. Our culture generally teaches that you never ever point out someone’s problems to them. So for a mentor to break that cultural trend will be a testament to how close they are to you.
But as a single person you need this mentor to point out your faults and help you fix them because in this process you get sharp. A mentor only points out faults because they want what is best for your life. Any fault pointed out by them should include a long discussion about how to fix the problem. And you should be grateful they saw a problem and took it to you instead of using it as gossip with the busy bodies.
This is how a mentor makes you sharp.
But fixing a fault goes beyond this. It is easy to have a scars, or brokenness from something that happened years ago, and the scar and heartache gets infected. A mentor may be the first opportunity you have share your scars and begin healing.
Jas 5:16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
Confessing faults, including faults that are not your fault is how God would have us begin the healing process.
How many of us had something happen to us when we were 4 or 5 or 14 or 15 that haunts us but we have never told anyone about it? And if we were to be very honest this secret greatly affects us to this day. God intends for you to get close enough to a mentor so that you can trust them with your secret and they can help you heal.
Conclusion
How badly do you need a mentor? Personally everything mentioned in this post is something I have shared with my mentor and been helped with. I desperately needed a mentor.
How far are you willing to go to get a mentor. For me I had to leave the church I grew up at and drive 60 miles one way to find someone willing to mentor me. What cost are you willing to pay to get a mentor? I can tell you from personal experience whatever the cost it is worth it. Maybe you think I am bragging about driving 60 miles to church, I am not, I would not be in church today with out my mentor. Driving 60 miles had nothing to do with me being a good christian it had everything to do with me being a desperate christian.
What is a mentor? A mentor for a Christian is a more mature Christian than you, who is further along in life than you, who pours their life into your life.
They pour their life into your life in 3 areas.
The first area is service.
A Christian that can be your mentor is further along in the faith than you. They have served for many years, and they don’t just know how to use their gift, but they know all the mundane things that must happen so that they can effectively use their gift. There are so many small details to anything that is done effectively it cannot be clearly explained, it can only clearly be shown.
The Bible tells us in I Corinthians 11:1 Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of Christ.
You are going to learn from a mentor by seeing them do stuff. You have a need to see how they get things done. You are going to see how they get things done when they have enough trust in you to let you follow them around and watch them. As they follow Christ you must follow them. This is how you are going to learn about all the little things that go into serving the Lord.
Then in time, as you learn from their example they will give you opportunity to serve and use your gifts. You learn from a mentor by watching them do whatever they do.
If you are very fortunate your parents can be your mentor, but the vast majority of people don’t have that opportunity, and that’s fine. Since the vast majority of mentors really can not mentor their kids because of differences in gifts, abilities, and desires. It is okay to look at the mentor relationship as one where a mature Christian is leaving their legacy in you. And every mature Christian should be leaving their legacy in many people.
As you are looking for a mentor I must give you this warning. A mentor should be someone of the same sex as you.
1Ti 2:12 But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.
When the Bible says this its not being sexist. It is really just pointing out that men and women are different. Men and women play different roles, have different ways of doing things, and think in totally different ways.
Many times in churches women are far more active than men. And the men who are active are very overloaded. And women have a nurturing spirit and generally men do not. So when it comes time to mentor a young man, women in their helpful nature will jump at the opportunity, and often times men wont.
If all a mentor did was show you how to turn a screw driver, or how to smile, or how to read from a curriculum then women could do a good job of showing a man how to do that. Or a man could do a good job of showing a woman how to do that. But a mentor shows all the mundane things that go with using your gifts.
One of the mundane things is how to act socially as you use your gifts. A woman cannot teach a man how to act in social situations. A man cannot teach a woman how to act socially. Men and women are far too different there are too many little details. A man must show a man all the little details of being a man. A woman must show another woman all the little details of being a woman.
I have been in a place before where when I was 18 I started teaching in junior church and a woman was over it. She did a spectacular job in what she did. I learned a lot from her, and people were telling me how great of a job I was doing teaching, but outside of teaching I had no idea how to act. I knew it and others knew it, but my social skills did not develop until I found a man to be my mentor.
You need someone of the same sex to be your mentor, to pour their life into you, to learn how to serve effectively in all situations including social situation, to be their legacy. To follow.
Closeness
One of the things you need a mentor for is the absolute closeness that biblical mentorship demands. If you have never been married this will likely be the closest relationship you have ever been in.
In I Thesolonians 2:11 the mentor is called to do three things. But the three things they are called to do isn’t important. What is important is the way they are called to do those three things.
1Th 2:11 As ye know how we exhorted and comforted and charged every one of you, as a father doth his children,
If you are a man then your mentor is called to exhort you like a father would exhort his son. If you are woman then your mentor is called to exhort you like she would her daughter. Anything less is not good enough.
If you are a man then your mentor is called to comfort you like a son. If you are a woman then your mentor is called to comfort you like she would her daughter. Anything less is not good enough.
If you are a man then your mentor is called to charge (implore) you like he would his own son. If you are a woman then your mentor is called to charge (implore) you like she would her own daughter. Anything less is not good enough.
And in return you are commanded to
1Ti 5:1 Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren;
1Ti 5:2 The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity.
As men find other men to who will treat them like a son, we in turn treat them like a father. As women find a woman to treat them like a daughter then in turn they treat them like a mother.
Honestly we live in a generation who needs to live this Bible more than any other generation in at least American history.
How many of us grew up in a home without a dad. I know I did. My dad died when I was 11 years old, and I was 28 before I found a man willing and able to disciple me. So many issues I had developed since I was a teenager, really from a lack of direction or guidance from mature Christian men in the faith, were dealt with in a matter of months. And come father’s day I give him a card. I am a single guy and I am closer to that man than anyone else in the world.
How many people in my generation grew up in a home with parents who were less than they ought to be? How many were emotionally (or otherwise) abused, and have emotional scars?
Developing a relationship with a mentor where you entreat them like a parent, and they entreat you like their own child is the scriptural way for adults to develop the things that should have been developed when they were children.
4 books in a row in the New Testament has a man calling other men his sons in the faith. I Timothy, II Timothy, Titus, and Philemon. Throughout the new testament the idea of a man treating another man as a father does a son is practiced.
Maybe you are a single person who has been pushed away by every mature Christian you have ever reached out to, and you don’t want to bother Christians anymore with this relationship. Maybe you are convinced that you should just leave them alone and not be a burden to their life. But the truth is until you develop a relationship with a mentor you are robbing them of the greatest joy they will have in this life. 3 John 1:4 says “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.”
This verse isn’t talking about biological children this verse is talking about the people he mentored. The writer of this verse is saying that there are people in the world that he mentored and got so close to that he considers them his own children and that his greatest joy in life is to know that the people he mentored walk in truth.
Without a mentor you are robbing a mature Christian of the greatest joy they will ever experience in this life.
Fixing Fault
One of the jobs a mentor has, is to recognize faults in your life and point out those faults to you and then help you fix those faults.
Gal 6:1 Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.
A mentor will, likely, be the closest person in your life until you get married. A mentor will be working with you to help you with whatever goals you have. Because of the closeness you have and the focus you share a mentor will be able to see faults in your life and must be able to correct those faults.
It may be something as simple as “You have bad breath because of indigestion, you need to always have a mint in your mouth.”
To “You are always offending people you need to read such and such book and then we will talk about how to implement it in your life”.
There may be maturity problems, technical problems, sin problems, hygiene problems, etc. Whatever the problem the mentor in your life should be close enough to you that they can tell you any problems they see in your life without you getting offended. It will be humbling to have someone point out your faults.
It is counter culture. Our culture generally teaches that you never ever point out someone’s problems to them. So for a mentor to break that cultural trend will be a testament to how close they are to you.
But as a single person you need this mentor to point out your faults and help you fix them because in this process you get sharp. A mentor only points out faults because they want what is best for your life. Any fault pointed out by them should include a long discussion about how to fix the problem. And you should be grateful they saw a problem and took it to you instead of using it as gossip with the busy bodies.
This is how a mentor makes you sharp.
But fixing a fault goes beyond this. It is easy to have a scars, or brokenness from something that happened years ago, and the scar and heartache gets infected. A mentor may be the first opportunity you have share your scars and begin healing.
Jas 5:16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
Confessing faults, including faults that are not your fault is how God would have us begin the healing process.
How many of us had something happen to us when we were 4 or 5 or 14 or 15 that haunts us but we have never told anyone about it? And if we were to be very honest this secret greatly affects us to this day. God intends for you to get close enough to a mentor so that you can trust them with your secret and they can help you heal.
Conclusion
How badly do you need a mentor? Personally everything mentioned in this post is something I have shared with my mentor and been helped with. I desperately needed a mentor.
How far are you willing to go to get a mentor. For me I had to leave the church I grew up at and drive 60 miles one way to find someone willing to mentor me. What cost are you willing to pay to get a mentor? I can tell you from personal experience whatever the cost it is worth it. Maybe you think I am bragging about driving 60 miles to church, I am not, I would not be in church today with out my mentor. Driving 60 miles had nothing to do with me being a good christian it had everything to do with me being a desperate christian.