Emotional Affair Every Single's Goal
I make the argument that married people have different sexual temptation, and addiction than single people do. When that understanding is established I believe single Christians across the board will have tremendous and sustained victory over sexual sin.
I believe the clearest example of the difference between marrieds and singles when it comes to sexual sin is the area of emotional affairs. Married people shouldn’t have them but singles should. Point by point as long as a single practices an emotional affair with another single there is nothing wrong with any of it. Depending on the message on emotional affair even the sex part is right as long as you get married before you have sex.
I would argue the messages on emotional affairs are the best messages I have ever heard on what a single should be doing. I would encourage you to listen to them. Maybe you are offended I am calling this an emotional affair when for the single it wouldn’t be. For the single it would be falling in love, or dating or courtship or something else. But the reality is that in the Christian community I have heard a lot of messages on falling in love, dating, courtship and other messages on finding a spouse and by far the messages on emotional affairs has more to offer me than any of those other messages because messages on emotional affairs deal with the subject of initial attraction by dissection it and studying it in ways no other message deals with initial attraction.
When these men teach on emotional affairs they study initial attraction line by line because they are desperate to avoid it. When they deal with falling in love, dating, courtship or how they met their wife thee isn’t the systematic breakdown of attraction because they have a sense of nostalgia and funny feelings. Due to the difference in urgency there is much more depth to their messages on emotional affairs.
Dating and courtship are easy once you figure out both of you are attracted to each other, but the subject of emotional affairs explains that attraction process better than anything else. And line by line emotional affairs, this attraction process, is liberty to singles and a stumbling block to marrieds.
According to Focus on the Family the signs of an emotional affair are.
Point 1 You share personal thoughts or stories with someone of the opposite sex
If you ever get around to reading Proverbs 31 it talks about the virtuous woman. Verse 10 tells us that finding a virtuous woman is hard is difficult, but then from verse 11 to 31 it describes this woman.
The very first qualification of this woman is that “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” What that means is that anything that’s on this man’s heart he can safely trust it to her.
The first sign of an emotional affair is sharing person thoughts and stories. The first aspect of a virtuous woman is she allows you to share your personal thoughts and stories. You should actively being sharing your thoughts and stories with singles of the opposite sex. If one of them listens and takes interest that may be a sign that you can have an emotional affair with them.
If you are shy and wondering how you could share your personal thoughts and stories, then you need to know that it’s very common for guys who give up pornography to significantly grow in confidence. You may be too nervous to talk to girls as you look at porn but giving up porn will likely give you the courage you need, to share your thoughts and stories after two or three months. This is a goal
As a single you should be trying to have an emotional affair.
Point 2 You feel a greater emotional intimacy with him or her than you do with your spouse
You don’t have a spouse you’re a single. That said who do you share the greatest emotional intimacy with? If you take my advice its whomever you share your addiction with. This is someone who you find more spiritual than you (Galatians 6:1), it could be your pastor, a bricklayer, a Sunday school teacher or some other spiritual authority.
It is very right to transition from your councilor being the most spiritually intimate person in your life to someone of the opposite sex. This is not a sin this is a goal. This is STEP 3! This is a continuation of Proverbs 31:11
Over a period of time you go from talking to this girl, to dating her to being engaged to married, and you should feel a greater emotional intimacy with her than anyone else. You find this wonderful girl and you share personal stories and thoughts with her and she actually listens and you two begin to build intellectual, emotional and spiritual intimacy and over the course of time you get engaged and you share your past with her and she either breaks up with you (not likely actually)or she accepts it and you two are a lot closer than you have ever been to anyone else.
As a single you should be trying to have an emotional affair.
Point 3 You start comparing him or her to your spouse, and begin listing why your spouse doesn’t add up
As you don’t have a spouse it is very scriptural to compare this girl to everyone else. In the book of Song of Solomon this happened a few times. The most blatant example is in 5:10-16 where she says her beloved is the fairest among ten thousand.
As a single you should be trying to have an emotional affair, but as long as you look at porn your emotional affair will stop here. One of the issues with pornography is that it gets you in the habit of looking and lusting after a lot of women. As long as you are in the habit of lusting after different women for their different features you will never be able to have the emotional affair you should have.
Your goal in this emotional affair is to view this girl as a lily among the thorns (Song of Solomon 2:2). Compared to her all other women are thorns. But as long as you look at porn you cannot have this needed mindset. I am one week away from being a year from looking at porn and I am still transitioning my thought life to the place where I can view a woman as the lily among thorns.
As a single you should get to the place where you compare others to this girl and list all the reasons why they don’t add up, or why this girl is so amazing.
You should be trying to have an emotional affair.
Point 4 You long for and look forward to, your next contact or conversation.
Song of Solomon 5:6-8 shows that this is very appropriate.
As a single you should look forward to the day where you look forward to talking and spending time with a woman, and getting to know each other. It’s during this time you really start thinking about what you will share with her and developing intellectual, emotional and spiritual bonds. This can only strengthen your heart.
You should be trying to have an emotional affair.
Point 5 You start changing your normal routine or duties to spend more time with him or her
Song of Solomon 1:7-8 and 5:6-8 would cover this.
It is a good and glad day when you start seeing a girl as more important than other things or other relationships. Because you start seeing her as more important you will natural change your schedule to spend more time with her. This is a part of just looking forward to the intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy you share and making the time so that it can develop.
You should be trying to have an emotional affair.
Point 6 You feel the need to conversations and activities involving him or her a secret from your spouse
Again without a spouse it becomes very appropriate and even necessary to find a young lady who you can tell things you can tell no one else. I love my councilor like a father, but there are things I don’t tell him because I know he won’t care. There will be things you tell this young lady that you don’t/cant/won’t tell anyone else.
I think this goes back to proverbs 31:11. Can you trust your heart to her? If you can you have found a virtuous woman.
You should be trying to have an emotional affair.
Point 7 You fantasize about spending time with, getting to know or sharing a life with him or her
YES!!!!!!!!!!!
If I can be totally transparent I think it’s a wonderful day in the life of any unmarried person when they go from fantasizing about sharing a life with someone they have never met to fantasizing about spending life with a specific person. Having a name and a face to put with your fantasy is spectacular.
I think all of Song of Solomon lends itself well to this point, particularly 7:10-13
You meet this person and you two seem to click and the gears in your mind start turning figuring out how you can get to know them, and how you can spend time with them, and fantasizing what it would be like to spend your life with them. Maybe even start getting your life in order in preparation for that.
You should be trying to have an emotional affair
Point 8 You spend a significant time alone with him or her
Song of Solomon 2:10-16 shows again this is appropriate for singles.
Sooner or later you realize that you click and you get alone with this girl ask her out and when/if she says yes you then spend a significant time alone dating getting to know each other and developing intellectual emotional and spiritual intimacy. This is a time where you are handing the baton of intimacy from your councilor to her over the period of months or years (depending on the situation).
If you feel the need or circumstances demand courtship then you will do the above mentioned stuff with a chaperone.
This is a very appropriate liberty for singles to take on one level or another with a single of the opposite sex. Its necessary for you to transition (at least in our culture) from single to married.
And it really should be about an emotional affair. Sharing each other’s hearts, becoming intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually intimate with each other.
But for that to happen you need to have an emotional affair.
As a single the reality of the situation is that you need to have an emotional affair before you get married. You need to allow an emotional affair lead you to your marriage. The reality of the situation is that after you have confessed your sin to whomever councils you and you consistently overcome your addiction you should actively be trying to make an emotional affair happen.
Perhaps you have been reading all the content on this website and wonder what you do once you overcome your addiction. Your next goal should be an emotional affair.
I believe the clearest example of the difference between marrieds and singles when it comes to sexual sin is the area of emotional affairs. Married people shouldn’t have them but singles should. Point by point as long as a single practices an emotional affair with another single there is nothing wrong with any of it. Depending on the message on emotional affair even the sex part is right as long as you get married before you have sex.
I would argue the messages on emotional affairs are the best messages I have ever heard on what a single should be doing. I would encourage you to listen to them. Maybe you are offended I am calling this an emotional affair when for the single it wouldn’t be. For the single it would be falling in love, or dating or courtship or something else. But the reality is that in the Christian community I have heard a lot of messages on falling in love, dating, courtship and other messages on finding a spouse and by far the messages on emotional affairs has more to offer me than any of those other messages because messages on emotional affairs deal with the subject of initial attraction by dissection it and studying it in ways no other message deals with initial attraction.
When these men teach on emotional affairs they study initial attraction line by line because they are desperate to avoid it. When they deal with falling in love, dating, courtship or how they met their wife thee isn’t the systematic breakdown of attraction because they have a sense of nostalgia and funny feelings. Due to the difference in urgency there is much more depth to their messages on emotional affairs.
Dating and courtship are easy once you figure out both of you are attracted to each other, but the subject of emotional affairs explains that attraction process better than anything else. And line by line emotional affairs, this attraction process, is liberty to singles and a stumbling block to marrieds.
According to Focus on the Family the signs of an emotional affair are.
- You share personal thoughts or stories with someone of the opposite sex.
- You feel a greater emotional intimacy with him or her than you do with your spouse.
- You start comparing him or her to your spouse, and begin listing why your spouse doesn't add up.
- You long for, and look forward to, your next contact or conversation.
- You start changing your normal routine or duties to spend more time with him or her.
- You feel the need to keep conversations or activities involving him or her a secret from your spouse.
- You fantasize about spending time with, getting to know or sharing a life with him or her.
- You spend significant time alone with him or her.
Point 1 You share personal thoughts or stories with someone of the opposite sex
If you ever get around to reading Proverbs 31 it talks about the virtuous woman. Verse 10 tells us that finding a virtuous woman is hard is difficult, but then from verse 11 to 31 it describes this woman.
The very first qualification of this woman is that “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” What that means is that anything that’s on this man’s heart he can safely trust it to her.
The first sign of an emotional affair is sharing person thoughts and stories. The first aspect of a virtuous woman is she allows you to share your personal thoughts and stories. You should actively being sharing your thoughts and stories with singles of the opposite sex. If one of them listens and takes interest that may be a sign that you can have an emotional affair with them.
If you are shy and wondering how you could share your personal thoughts and stories, then you need to know that it’s very common for guys who give up pornography to significantly grow in confidence. You may be too nervous to talk to girls as you look at porn but giving up porn will likely give you the courage you need, to share your thoughts and stories after two or three months. This is a goal
As a single you should be trying to have an emotional affair.
Point 2 You feel a greater emotional intimacy with him or her than you do with your spouse
You don’t have a spouse you’re a single. That said who do you share the greatest emotional intimacy with? If you take my advice its whomever you share your addiction with. This is someone who you find more spiritual than you (Galatians 6:1), it could be your pastor, a bricklayer, a Sunday school teacher or some other spiritual authority.
It is very right to transition from your councilor being the most spiritually intimate person in your life to someone of the opposite sex. This is not a sin this is a goal. This is STEP 3! This is a continuation of Proverbs 31:11
Over a period of time you go from talking to this girl, to dating her to being engaged to married, and you should feel a greater emotional intimacy with her than anyone else. You find this wonderful girl and you share personal stories and thoughts with her and she actually listens and you two begin to build intellectual, emotional and spiritual intimacy and over the course of time you get engaged and you share your past with her and she either breaks up with you (not likely actually)or she accepts it and you two are a lot closer than you have ever been to anyone else.
As a single you should be trying to have an emotional affair.
Point 3 You start comparing him or her to your spouse, and begin listing why your spouse doesn’t add up
As you don’t have a spouse it is very scriptural to compare this girl to everyone else. In the book of Song of Solomon this happened a few times. The most blatant example is in 5:10-16 where she says her beloved is the fairest among ten thousand.
As a single you should be trying to have an emotional affair, but as long as you look at porn your emotional affair will stop here. One of the issues with pornography is that it gets you in the habit of looking and lusting after a lot of women. As long as you are in the habit of lusting after different women for their different features you will never be able to have the emotional affair you should have.
Your goal in this emotional affair is to view this girl as a lily among the thorns (Song of Solomon 2:2). Compared to her all other women are thorns. But as long as you look at porn you cannot have this needed mindset. I am one week away from being a year from looking at porn and I am still transitioning my thought life to the place where I can view a woman as the lily among thorns.
As a single you should get to the place where you compare others to this girl and list all the reasons why they don’t add up, or why this girl is so amazing.
You should be trying to have an emotional affair.
Point 4 You long for and look forward to, your next contact or conversation.
Song of Solomon 5:6-8 shows that this is very appropriate.
As a single you should look forward to the day where you look forward to talking and spending time with a woman, and getting to know each other. It’s during this time you really start thinking about what you will share with her and developing intellectual, emotional and spiritual bonds. This can only strengthen your heart.
You should be trying to have an emotional affair.
Point 5 You start changing your normal routine or duties to spend more time with him or her
Song of Solomon 1:7-8 and 5:6-8 would cover this.
It is a good and glad day when you start seeing a girl as more important than other things or other relationships. Because you start seeing her as more important you will natural change your schedule to spend more time with her. This is a part of just looking forward to the intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy you share and making the time so that it can develop.
You should be trying to have an emotional affair.
Point 6 You feel the need to conversations and activities involving him or her a secret from your spouse
Again without a spouse it becomes very appropriate and even necessary to find a young lady who you can tell things you can tell no one else. I love my councilor like a father, but there are things I don’t tell him because I know he won’t care. There will be things you tell this young lady that you don’t/cant/won’t tell anyone else.
I think this goes back to proverbs 31:11. Can you trust your heart to her? If you can you have found a virtuous woman.
You should be trying to have an emotional affair.
Point 7 You fantasize about spending time with, getting to know or sharing a life with him or her
YES!!!!!!!!!!!
If I can be totally transparent I think it’s a wonderful day in the life of any unmarried person when they go from fantasizing about sharing a life with someone they have never met to fantasizing about spending life with a specific person. Having a name and a face to put with your fantasy is spectacular.
I think all of Song of Solomon lends itself well to this point, particularly 7:10-13
You meet this person and you two seem to click and the gears in your mind start turning figuring out how you can get to know them, and how you can spend time with them, and fantasizing what it would be like to spend your life with them. Maybe even start getting your life in order in preparation for that.
You should be trying to have an emotional affair
Point 8 You spend a significant time alone with him or her
Song of Solomon 2:10-16 shows again this is appropriate for singles.
Sooner or later you realize that you click and you get alone with this girl ask her out and when/if she says yes you then spend a significant time alone dating getting to know each other and developing intellectual emotional and spiritual intimacy. This is a time where you are handing the baton of intimacy from your councilor to her over the period of months or years (depending on the situation).
If you feel the need or circumstances demand courtship then you will do the above mentioned stuff with a chaperone.
This is a very appropriate liberty for singles to take on one level or another with a single of the opposite sex. Its necessary for you to transition (at least in our culture) from single to married.
And it really should be about an emotional affair. Sharing each other’s hearts, becoming intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually intimate with each other.
But for that to happen you need to have an emotional affair.
As a single the reality of the situation is that you need to have an emotional affair before you get married. You need to allow an emotional affair lead you to your marriage. The reality of the situation is that after you have confessed your sin to whomever councils you and you consistently overcome your addiction you should actively be trying to make an emotional affair happen.
Perhaps you have been reading all the content on this website and wonder what you do once you overcome your addiction. Your next goal should be an emotional affair.