Stumblingblock
I make no claim as to being any kind of expert; my only claim is that I bear the burden. I have made the claim that a lot of what is said in Christian circles to the unmarried on puberty, purity, and porn intending to encourage them to do right is either unhelpful or back fires and draws them into sin. What is often said about puberty, purity, and porn to the unmarried is often a stumbling block.
I have been unable to put my finger on what exactly that stumbling block is until 364 days into overcoming porn.
Regardless of whether the subject is purity, puberty, or porn the stumbling block that is presented is twofold. It is envy and it is covetousness.
Have you ever tried to make someone envious?
Maybe when you were in elementary school you had a piece of candy and you tried to make someone envious by telling them how great the candy was and how delicious it was and you made it clear they couldn’t have it. Or you had a toy or pen or something and you made sure that they knew that they didn’t have whatever you did and that what you had was the greatest thing ever. You were trying to make them envious.
Maybe you were in high school and got your license or car and then you found someone who didn’t have a license or car then you proceeded to tell them how great you had it and how awesome it was to have a license or car and left thrilled that they were envious of you or covetous of you.
Every message on purity, puberty, or porn I have ever heard (with one exception that I know of) tells me how awesome, fun, great sex is, followed by “wait for marriage”. In any other situation that language would be used to intentionally make someone envious. But in the church we are using that language and unintentionally making people envious.
What has been happening since the sixties is that the church has correctly taught that sex is reserved for marriage alone, but the world constantly lies by saying that “Christians teach sex is bad”. To counter the worlds message the church is going out of its way to tell us how awesome, fun, great sex is while telling us not to have this awesome, fun, great thing until we are married. Basically the world has conned the church into making its young people envy and covet sex.
So as I see it the church is teaching a correct biblical concept (Save sex for marriage) but then instead of using God’s Word to define the concept we are addressing the worlds accusation. In addressing the worlds accusation we are using language that anywhere else would be language trying to make someone envious.
This has been a major stumblingblock in my life. How can we teach the unmarried to save sex for marriage without causing them to envy or covet?
I believe the first thing you must do is put sex in its right place in the subject of intimacy. Song of Solomon has a lot to say about intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy right alongside physical intimacy and sex. Proverbs 31 has something to say about intimacy. The new testament has a whole lot to say about intimacy. If a young person is old enough to desire sex then they need to be practicing intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy so that the important things of their nature can overcome their lust.
Second I would suggest instead of using language of whether sex is good or bad I would use language of liberty. Unmarried people have no liberty in sex, married people only have as much liberty as the couple decides. The lesson here is that you can’t really know about sex until your married. Why fantasize about it.
Third I would make it clear that there is a lot of danger in coveting sex or envying others because they can have legal sex. Covetous and envy led me to porn, it leads others to many sex partners and all the problems associated with that. I have friends where covetous and envy led them to marry people they had no business being involved with because they wanted what others had so badly.
It took me 364 days to see this stumblingblock. I have more clarity on this issue now than ever, but I am not going to erase what has already been written because it is important to me to see the progression I have made in my understanding and my thought life. I truly hope these set of articles will help the unmarried get out of the grip of porn, or never get involved in it at all. I hope my progression of understanding shows others it takes time to really be healed from this addiction but the healing does come.
I have been unable to put my finger on what exactly that stumbling block is until 364 days into overcoming porn.
Regardless of whether the subject is purity, puberty, or porn the stumbling block that is presented is twofold. It is envy and it is covetousness.
Have you ever tried to make someone envious?
Maybe when you were in elementary school you had a piece of candy and you tried to make someone envious by telling them how great the candy was and how delicious it was and you made it clear they couldn’t have it. Or you had a toy or pen or something and you made sure that they knew that they didn’t have whatever you did and that what you had was the greatest thing ever. You were trying to make them envious.
Maybe you were in high school and got your license or car and then you found someone who didn’t have a license or car then you proceeded to tell them how great you had it and how awesome it was to have a license or car and left thrilled that they were envious of you or covetous of you.
Every message on purity, puberty, or porn I have ever heard (with one exception that I know of) tells me how awesome, fun, great sex is, followed by “wait for marriage”. In any other situation that language would be used to intentionally make someone envious. But in the church we are using that language and unintentionally making people envious.
What has been happening since the sixties is that the church has correctly taught that sex is reserved for marriage alone, but the world constantly lies by saying that “Christians teach sex is bad”. To counter the worlds message the church is going out of its way to tell us how awesome, fun, great sex is while telling us not to have this awesome, fun, great thing until we are married. Basically the world has conned the church into making its young people envy and covet sex.
So as I see it the church is teaching a correct biblical concept (Save sex for marriage) but then instead of using God’s Word to define the concept we are addressing the worlds accusation. In addressing the worlds accusation we are using language that anywhere else would be language trying to make someone envious.
This has been a major stumblingblock in my life. How can we teach the unmarried to save sex for marriage without causing them to envy or covet?
I believe the first thing you must do is put sex in its right place in the subject of intimacy. Song of Solomon has a lot to say about intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy right alongside physical intimacy and sex. Proverbs 31 has something to say about intimacy. The new testament has a whole lot to say about intimacy. If a young person is old enough to desire sex then they need to be practicing intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy so that the important things of their nature can overcome their lust.
Second I would suggest instead of using language of whether sex is good or bad I would use language of liberty. Unmarried people have no liberty in sex, married people only have as much liberty as the couple decides. The lesson here is that you can’t really know about sex until your married. Why fantasize about it.
Third I would make it clear that there is a lot of danger in coveting sex or envying others because they can have legal sex. Covetous and envy led me to porn, it leads others to many sex partners and all the problems associated with that. I have friends where covetous and envy led them to marry people they had no business being involved with because they wanted what others had so badly.
It took me 364 days to see this stumblingblock. I have more clarity on this issue now than ever, but I am not going to erase what has already been written because it is important to me to see the progression I have made in my understanding and my thought life. I truly hope these set of articles will help the unmarried get out of the grip of porn, or never get involved in it at all. I hope my progression of understanding shows others it takes time to really be healed from this addiction but the healing does come.