The Problem With Seduction
After two and a half years the Lord has shown me another one of my heart problems. I crave and desire to seduce and be seduced. This is a huge problem because seduction has no part in how God wants Christians to do romantic relationships. God wants Christians in a romantic relationship to learn to trust each other enough that they give each other themselves, at their wedding, where their marriage is a constant picture of “I am yours, and you are mine”(Song of Solomon 2:16, 6:3)
Seduction is all about enticement, and the reality is, this is why it got in my head. Hollywood loves how easy seduction makes making movies. Since I was little nearly every movie and tv show had characters seducing one another. I think this is why it took me 2 and a half years of no fap to realize that seduction was a root problem in my heart and mind, seduction is a major part of our culture.
Hollywood has taught me that seduction leads you to having lots of women, that seduction is normal and to be desired. That seduction gives you what you want. Day in and day out they have given this message.
For the last few weeks I have been struggling with fantasies and I could not figure out the root cause, until the lord showed me the root cause was seduction. My fantasies were all about enticing women, that seduction was normal, that I could get what I want through seduction. And that last part is what really threw me off, I knew that the fantasies in my head were not things I wanted. I knew I was double minded about this situation. James 1:8 tells us “A double minded man is unstable in all his ways”.
What has Hollywood taught me about seduction? It has taught me to seduce through the clothes I wear and the body I have. Many times this is seduction through immodesty. Hollywood has taught me to seduce through saying whatever a person wants to hear, so either I am lying about them or myself. Hollywood has taught me to seduce through the stuff I own. Hollywood has taught me to seduce through the fun I have, many times if this means getting them so drunk or high they cannot say no, then that’s an acceptable form of seduction. Hollywood has taught me that once I get tired of this person I have seduced, find someone else to seduce. They are not important at all, my desire is all encompassly important.
At the end of the day seduction is totally selfish and will leave you totally miserable. There is a reason why Hollywood only shows the seduction and never shows the aftermath of the seduction.
But let us compare seduction, with the giving of yourself that God calls Christians to. In Song of Solomon there are two times where the couple says “I am yours and you are mine” (Song of Solomon 2:16, 6:3). This is reflected in the New Testament in Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it”. If husbands are to love their wives like Christ loves the Church then husbands must give themselves to their wives like Christ gave himself to the Church. When we get saved we are given the Holy Spirit. See marriage is designed to be a picture of salvation and the relationship that comes with salvation.
Another verse giving us an idea of what a married couple giving themselves looks like is 1Corinthians 7:3-5
Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
My biggest gripe about these verses in the Christian community is that these verses are only used to talk about sex when these verses are clearly so much broader than that.
There are two big points about a husband and wife giving themselves to one another that need to be addressed. The first point is what does giving yourself to another person mean? I take that back, what we should ask is what should giving yourself to another person mean? Giving yourself to another person, and giving yourself to another person with the right attitude are two different things.
I think we must start with giving ourselves to another person, instead of acting like we think the other person wants us to act. This is a good place to contrast giving yourself, and seducing someone. If I am giving myself to another person I will be honest with them intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. If I am seducing a person I will tell them whatever I think they want to hear. When I give myself to a person intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually I am building trust with that person, and this giving myself takes time to develop, because there is a lot to every individual. If I am telling someone whatever I think they want to hear I am trying to take something from them, this can be as simple as a date, something as great as marriage, or it could be something as sinful as a one night stand. But at the end seduction is me taking from a person instead of giving to a person.
When I give myself to a person I should certainly try to give them my best self. I should be as good as I can be emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially. Certainly there are people better than me in all these areas, the goal is not to be the best in any of these areas, just to be the best me I can be. Some of these areas will need work. The goal in giving myself to a person is to be the best me I can be, but also in being honest when my best is not that great, when I give myself to a person they get the good and the bad, and they should know about the bad. I am giving them the best me, but the best me is still a sinner so if I am giving them myself they will have to accept all of me.
When I am seducing a person the only thing that matters is enticing someone to get what I want. Anything that does not help that enticement is hidden, if outright lying helps entice them to do what I want then its encouraged. Seducing will do whatever it takes to get what it wants.
When I give myself to a person it is exclusive. I want to make this clear, giving yourself to a person happens at marriage, dating a bunch of people is not wrong, in fact it will probably be necessary to find someone trustworthy enough to give yourself too. When I give myself to someone it is like any other gift, if you take a gift back that is theft. Giving them me is permanent. Giving someone yourself is the ultimate act of trust, you are saying that you trust them to do whatever they think is best for you. You are not giving 50% and hoping they give 50%, you are to give all. The hope is that when you give all, you get all.
Seduction on the other hand gives as little as possible to get whatever it wants. The funny thing is that seduction only wants to give 1% to get the 15 or 20 percent it wants. There are always aspects of a person that are less than perfect; seduction does not want that part. Seduction does not want to give all and it does not want to take all. It wants what it wants, and it wants to get it for the cheapest price possible.
This brings us to the second thing about a husband and wife giving themselves to one another. When you give yourself to them, they are to give themselves to you. When they give themselves to you that is an awesome responsibility.
Seduction cares nothing about how much the relationship cost the other person, but when you give yourself to another person the cost of them giving themselves to you is far more important to you than the cost of you giving yourself to them.
Let us compare someone giving themselves to you to someone giving you a car. The car was free but the responsibility that comes with it is not. To have a usable car you must pay taxes, and insurance, you must fill it up with gas, change the oil, keep radiator fluid in it, change the air filters, change the tires. If it breaks you must either fix it or take it to someone who can fix it. The reason why you do all this for your car is because its yours.
When you get married and someone gives themselves to you then every need that they have that you can meet you are to meet. That is intellectual, emotional, spiritual, physical, and sexual, all needs that you can meet are to be met by you BECAUSE they gave themselves to you. Any need you cannot meet you are to help them to open the door to get met.
People are too complex for you to by yourself meet all of your spouse’s needs. Many of your spouse’s needs will involve a walk with God and you will have to learn how to make sure your spouse has a good enough walk with God that that need is met. Your spouse will have relational needs you cannot meet and you will have to learn how to open the door for them to get those needs met. Your spouse will have intellectual needs you cannot meet and you will have to learn to open the door so your spouse’s intellectual needs can be met. Your spouse will have sexual needs and you are the only person in the world who can meet those needs.
You are the only person in the world with whom your spouse will spend the rest of their life, so as you go from place to place, and from one stage of life to the next you have the awesome responsibility to be constantly figuring out new ways to meet these needs in your spouse’s life. Marriage in God’s design is your spouse giving themselves to you. So in order to not defraud your spouse you are to meet all your spouse’s needs or find a way to open doors so all your spouse’s needs can be met.
Seduction only cares about its own needs.
When you marry your spouse and they give themselves to you, they will carry baggage and scars. Part of your responsibility is to help them bear the burden of that baggage, and to help them heal from those scars. It’s your responsibility because they gave themselves to you.
Seduction holds baggage and scars against a person. It’s a part of a person that seduction does not want. But when you give yourself to a person and they give themselves to you baggage and scars become intimacy, and build trust.
Seduction may not always be sin, but it is always unhealthy. Seduction is such a giant part of our culture it took me two and a half years to notice this heart problem. I think this was the deepest rooted one in me. Now that I noticed it I can separate it out from what God desires for me. Since the Lord has shown me the problem with seduction dealing with my fantasies has become significantly easier.
Seduction is all about enticement, and the reality is, this is why it got in my head. Hollywood loves how easy seduction makes making movies. Since I was little nearly every movie and tv show had characters seducing one another. I think this is why it took me 2 and a half years of no fap to realize that seduction was a root problem in my heart and mind, seduction is a major part of our culture.
Hollywood has taught me that seduction leads you to having lots of women, that seduction is normal and to be desired. That seduction gives you what you want. Day in and day out they have given this message.
For the last few weeks I have been struggling with fantasies and I could not figure out the root cause, until the lord showed me the root cause was seduction. My fantasies were all about enticing women, that seduction was normal, that I could get what I want through seduction. And that last part is what really threw me off, I knew that the fantasies in my head were not things I wanted. I knew I was double minded about this situation. James 1:8 tells us “A double minded man is unstable in all his ways”.
What has Hollywood taught me about seduction? It has taught me to seduce through the clothes I wear and the body I have. Many times this is seduction through immodesty. Hollywood has taught me to seduce through saying whatever a person wants to hear, so either I am lying about them or myself. Hollywood has taught me to seduce through the stuff I own. Hollywood has taught me to seduce through the fun I have, many times if this means getting them so drunk or high they cannot say no, then that’s an acceptable form of seduction. Hollywood has taught me that once I get tired of this person I have seduced, find someone else to seduce. They are not important at all, my desire is all encompassly important.
At the end of the day seduction is totally selfish and will leave you totally miserable. There is a reason why Hollywood only shows the seduction and never shows the aftermath of the seduction.
But let us compare seduction, with the giving of yourself that God calls Christians to. In Song of Solomon there are two times where the couple says “I am yours and you are mine” (Song of Solomon 2:16, 6:3). This is reflected in the New Testament in Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it”. If husbands are to love their wives like Christ loves the Church then husbands must give themselves to their wives like Christ gave himself to the Church. When we get saved we are given the Holy Spirit. See marriage is designed to be a picture of salvation and the relationship that comes with salvation.
Another verse giving us an idea of what a married couple giving themselves looks like is 1Corinthians 7:3-5
Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
My biggest gripe about these verses in the Christian community is that these verses are only used to talk about sex when these verses are clearly so much broader than that.
There are two big points about a husband and wife giving themselves to one another that need to be addressed. The first point is what does giving yourself to another person mean? I take that back, what we should ask is what should giving yourself to another person mean? Giving yourself to another person, and giving yourself to another person with the right attitude are two different things.
I think we must start with giving ourselves to another person, instead of acting like we think the other person wants us to act. This is a good place to contrast giving yourself, and seducing someone. If I am giving myself to another person I will be honest with them intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. If I am seducing a person I will tell them whatever I think they want to hear. When I give myself to a person intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually I am building trust with that person, and this giving myself takes time to develop, because there is a lot to every individual. If I am telling someone whatever I think they want to hear I am trying to take something from them, this can be as simple as a date, something as great as marriage, or it could be something as sinful as a one night stand. But at the end seduction is me taking from a person instead of giving to a person.
When I give myself to a person I should certainly try to give them my best self. I should be as good as I can be emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially. Certainly there are people better than me in all these areas, the goal is not to be the best in any of these areas, just to be the best me I can be. Some of these areas will need work. The goal in giving myself to a person is to be the best me I can be, but also in being honest when my best is not that great, when I give myself to a person they get the good and the bad, and they should know about the bad. I am giving them the best me, but the best me is still a sinner so if I am giving them myself they will have to accept all of me.
When I am seducing a person the only thing that matters is enticing someone to get what I want. Anything that does not help that enticement is hidden, if outright lying helps entice them to do what I want then its encouraged. Seducing will do whatever it takes to get what it wants.
When I give myself to a person it is exclusive. I want to make this clear, giving yourself to a person happens at marriage, dating a bunch of people is not wrong, in fact it will probably be necessary to find someone trustworthy enough to give yourself too. When I give myself to someone it is like any other gift, if you take a gift back that is theft. Giving them me is permanent. Giving someone yourself is the ultimate act of trust, you are saying that you trust them to do whatever they think is best for you. You are not giving 50% and hoping they give 50%, you are to give all. The hope is that when you give all, you get all.
Seduction on the other hand gives as little as possible to get whatever it wants. The funny thing is that seduction only wants to give 1% to get the 15 or 20 percent it wants. There are always aspects of a person that are less than perfect; seduction does not want that part. Seduction does not want to give all and it does not want to take all. It wants what it wants, and it wants to get it for the cheapest price possible.
This brings us to the second thing about a husband and wife giving themselves to one another. When you give yourself to them, they are to give themselves to you. When they give themselves to you that is an awesome responsibility.
Seduction cares nothing about how much the relationship cost the other person, but when you give yourself to another person the cost of them giving themselves to you is far more important to you than the cost of you giving yourself to them.
Let us compare someone giving themselves to you to someone giving you a car. The car was free but the responsibility that comes with it is not. To have a usable car you must pay taxes, and insurance, you must fill it up with gas, change the oil, keep radiator fluid in it, change the air filters, change the tires. If it breaks you must either fix it or take it to someone who can fix it. The reason why you do all this for your car is because its yours.
When you get married and someone gives themselves to you then every need that they have that you can meet you are to meet. That is intellectual, emotional, spiritual, physical, and sexual, all needs that you can meet are to be met by you BECAUSE they gave themselves to you. Any need you cannot meet you are to help them to open the door to get met.
People are too complex for you to by yourself meet all of your spouse’s needs. Many of your spouse’s needs will involve a walk with God and you will have to learn how to make sure your spouse has a good enough walk with God that that need is met. Your spouse will have relational needs you cannot meet and you will have to learn how to open the door for them to get those needs met. Your spouse will have intellectual needs you cannot meet and you will have to learn to open the door so your spouse’s intellectual needs can be met. Your spouse will have sexual needs and you are the only person in the world who can meet those needs.
You are the only person in the world with whom your spouse will spend the rest of their life, so as you go from place to place, and from one stage of life to the next you have the awesome responsibility to be constantly figuring out new ways to meet these needs in your spouse’s life. Marriage in God’s design is your spouse giving themselves to you. So in order to not defraud your spouse you are to meet all your spouse’s needs or find a way to open doors so all your spouse’s needs can be met.
Seduction only cares about its own needs.
When you marry your spouse and they give themselves to you, they will carry baggage and scars. Part of your responsibility is to help them bear the burden of that baggage, and to help them heal from those scars. It’s your responsibility because they gave themselves to you.
Seduction holds baggage and scars against a person. It’s a part of a person that seduction does not want. But when you give yourself to a person and they give themselves to you baggage and scars become intimacy, and build trust.
Seduction may not always be sin, but it is always unhealthy. Seduction is such a giant part of our culture it took me two and a half years to notice this heart problem. I think this was the deepest rooted one in me. Now that I noticed it I can separate it out from what God desires for me. Since the Lord has shown me the problem with seduction dealing with my fantasies has become significantly easier.