Please Stop Telling Me About Great Sex
So here I am I confessed my sin to my pastor, and I continually go to him about the different areas of withdrawal symptoms I feel. And although he gives me a lot of good advice he continually wants to give me as a single very bad advice. For the first 3 months he continually wants to tell me how getting porn out of my life will lead to great sex.
I can certainly see how that would be an effective argument for a married person. I am not married. I do not want to get porn out of my life because I want to have better sex. I want to get porn out of my life because of the guilt, shame, depression, desperation, and anxiety it causes. In fact I am a virgin and really have no concept of what is good sex and what is bad sex.
Every time my pastor mentioned how getting porn out of my life will lead to great sex I pointed out that I am fasting. I do not need to be fantasizing about the difference between regular sex and great sex. And that the argument kind of draws me back to porn. I mean how wouldn’t it? I am probably years away from marriage, and unless you are addicted too porn to you probably cant go weekly without having sex with your wife.
It is not fair to tell me about sex when you cant go a week without it, but I am expected to go years without it until I am married.
Early on after my confession he counseled me to think about my wedding night and I told him point blank that’s what got me into porn in the first place. I read what james Dobson wrote to middle schoolers about the mechanics of sex. And I do not think its possible to be more discreet than he was, but I began fantasizing how I would do what he wrote about on my wedding night and it directly led to porn. Again for the single overcoming this addiction is not about right sex, but fasting.
I have heard men tell singles that we should not look at porn because porn is like a cheese sandwich and sex is like steak. He said why should we give up steak for a cheese sandwich. Again this argument underscores that the Christian community is dealing with porn from the married person perspective. If you are 14 (when I got involved in porn) you are not allowed to get married until you are 18. Well if you are not allowed to have steak for 4 years then why not have a cheese sandwich? By the way I have waited for the steak for far more than 4 years.
If great sex is the goal then no single will ever overcome this addiction. Why should they overcome this addiction when they are not allowed to have sex? In fact if great sex is the goal why should they wait for marriage to have sex?
Obedience and a right relationship with God is the goal. Generally the depression, desperation, and anxiety that comes with a porn addiction are reason enough for the singles to want to obey God on the issue.
Remember as the weeks and months pass your single will be guarding his eyes, heart and mind. At this point they will have gone a long time without seeing any nudity and should be bouncing their eyes off of immodesty, they will be struggling with their fantasy life, so considering where they are at how can the topic of great sex possibly help someone who is likely more than a year away from marriage and sex. Much less great sex. Furthermore if your single is a virgin you now need to explain the difference between regular sex, bad sex, and great sex. If porn is anything that makes you fantasize about sex, how is this conversation not porn to your single?
This is not to say you never talk about sex. The thing is you are going to have to be extremely sensitive to what is appropriate to your individual single, teen, or otherwise unmarried person.
I think one of the wiser approaches is to focus on how God made sex to bring two people closer than anything else in the world. Part of the reason is because as you council this person on this addiction you will become closer to them than anybody in the world until after they are engaged, and possibly married. Because you are becoming very emotionally and spiritually intimate it is easy here to point out how they will become emotionally and spiritually intimate with a young lady some day and once married the sex will maximize that intimacy beyond anything else they can experience. This way the intimacy they are currently experiencing is something tangible today that will prepare them for marriage tomorrow.